I find myself afraid to say the word “God”...

I’m not sure when it started. I think, especially in the United States, we have been raised with the separation of Church and State and are ingrained with the idea that these two shall never meet. I think some of us, myself included, have taken the separation of Church and State to also mean the separation of “Church and Self”.  We aren’t supposed to talk about God in School or at work.  We aren’t supposed to overtly show signs of believing in any sort of God.  Thus, religious persecution and hiding is quite normal.  

Somewhere along the way, I separated my being from that of God.  

Though I have always been searching.  I was raised without any real connection to any church and was not forced to go to church, except for major holidays... In fact, I asked to go to church on a regular basis.  I remember walking to church when I was between 9 and 12, by myself.  I remember asking my grandparents if I could go to Catholic Church with my friend Shallan. I often would go to church with my best friend, Sarah, who was raised Mormon.  And, often times, I would be included in their youth group activities, when I could be.  I look back, now, and realize I must have started looking for a relationship with God at a young age.

Clearly, I didn’t find Him in any of these places.  I was always so confused when I went to Sunday School and had to study the Bible, and I never felt the ‘hook’ when in class with any of my friends.  Somewhere along the way, I realized God was not in a Church and thoroughly divorced myself of all religion.  I also became almost rigid in my detachment of any Dogma.  I found myself virtually against God.  I respected others who had religion but I quietly mocked it because it made no sense... And, heaven forbid someone try to preach to me... 

During my search for God (though I did not realize it was this), I was introduced to Spiritual Development.  I spent thousands and thousands of dollars working on my relationship with myself for many many years.  I am forever grateful for everything I learned from this particular “Mystery School” because it helped me grow and learn so much.  I absolutely believe it helped me come to the place where I am now.  (This is a whole other entry, one day, that is a huge chunk of my life.)

Through all of these experiences, there is a similar vein of truth.  I kept looking.  I was never satisfied with what I found in the Catholic Church, I was never satisfied with a single workshop, I was never satisfied with my walk to Church by myself... Though, each one of these may have given me temporary relief, I kept searching.  I kept feeling as though something was missing.

Then, I found God.  I remember writing a status on Facebook, “Hi, my name is Dylan and I believe in God.”  I can’t remember exactly when this was, if I was still in Nebraska going through Hell or if I had quit my job and was starting to open up to anything new.  Though, I do remember feeling nervous about writing it.  

It took quite some time before I understood what this statement meant to me... 

Since then, I have learned that “Surrender comes from the Heart”, a mantra I use very often.  I had to search and search until I found someone who could talk to me about God in a way I could understand.  I had to search and search until I found a scripture that made logical sense to me.  I had to search and search until I found a God who transmitted a merciful stance, one of unconditional love in the face of any calamity, any action, any misdeed.  I had to search and search until I found my “God Family”.  And, every day, I thank that God for bringing me to Him and His family, which really is everyone.  What I found was that my heart had surrendered without me even knowing it, it was miraculous... 

So, why am I scared to say His name? I remember when I first started earnestly praying to Him, I even have the journal entry, I was afraid that if I picked one path than I’d be severing ties with ‘all the other paths’.  That, if I said I believe in x than all the a’s, b’s, c’s and y’s would no longer talk to me, excommunicate me and whatever else imagination I have about this subject (which are actually quite founded, though a different story, different time).  My experience of so many religions is that the dogma believes THEIR way is the THE ONLY WAY and any other way is going straight to Hell.  I have never and will never ever ever, I repeat ever, believe this.  

And, my relationship to God is my very deeply personal relationship to God.  As yours is with whatever you want to call it.  I could never force someone to submit to God because surrender only comes from deep within the heart or in battle, and who wants to be forced to surrender about such a deeply personal subject?  That kind of surrender rarely, if ever, works.  We have countless of examples of this ‘issue’ in our current world ‘order’.  

Meanwhile, I have a friend on facebook, John, who has created an very admirable relationship with God and he puts all of these amazing quotes on facebook  I want you to hear what I have to say, because one of the things I’ve learned to my very core, in the last few years, is that this searching, this desire for a merciful reservoir of love cannot be found in a bottle of alcohol.  This searching for someone to love us no matter what is not found in a 52” flat screen TV.  This desire to have someone accept, gladly and reciprocate the massive amounts of love I feel I have to give, cannot be found in a random tryst of a relationship or the latest fashion fad.  No, this and so much more can only be held by something bigger than human love. Bigger than the capacity and moody, emotion filled person can manage.  Bigger than a multi-billion dollar sex industry can deliver.  

This love, I have felt.  

As a result, I want to be able to share my experiences with you, with a stranger, with anyone who is interested in knowing why the path they have been taking in earnest searching hasn’t worked... I have tried so many things and in the end, it was so simple.  

And, like my friend Nancy said a few months back... "You're still normal".  Because I have developed this relationship with God, does not mean I'm a different person. Yes, I may relate to the world a little differently.  Yes, I may never eat meat or drink alcohol again in my life; but, I am who I am... still me. Just more balanced, more rooted, more centered, more open, more more-ness... 

So, I believe in God.  I pray to Krishna (and quite a few others).  And, I believe however you want to pray is right too.  

45 (okay I went over) Things I Learned on the Polish Tour - Summer 2011

1. So What have we missed????
   Poland 1 - 15
   Woodstock 1 and maybe 2
   Germany 1
   Germany 2
   Bhakti Fest
   US 1
   US 2
   Greece 1
   and now
   India 1b
   That’s a whole lotta’ livin’ that’s has happened over the last few months that I haven’t updated you on.  I’m terribly sorry, and well, not all that sorry.  I realized today that I’m quite sure I haven’t had a room, to myself, since pretty much January and I guess I’m a touch tired.  Anyone who knows anything about the Polish Tour knows I’m really tired. So, of course it would make complete sense that I’m writing this at 12:21am on October 12th, right???? Jet Lag. Again.
   I’ve realized that I’m a mess when I travel from west to east and I’ve been doing that for the last 3 weeks. 1 week in Virginia from LA, 1 week in Greece from Virginia and now I’m in India from Greece.  So, I’m working on figuring out this jet lag thing... I’m not very good at it.  
   Now, how did I get here, you wonder? Let’s see....  
   Really, the wheels started turning for me to come back to India last March when I met Indradyumna Swami.  He had given me a suggested travel path and this was at the end of it; however, I don’t know that I knew it would be possible... Of course, they say, with direction from one of these actualized souls, comes the ability to carry out the direction as well. I have seen this over and over again this year, far too often to question it.  However, my coming back really didn’t solidify until the last couple weeks of the Polish Tour (which would be the last couple weeks of August) and then financially, it wasn’t possible until mid september... Lucky for me, the Magic Carpet ride has continued and I am here.
   I’m deliberating how far back to go in this post. I have a few promised entries coming... how I was ripe for the picking and some wisdom for women that I’ve learned on this path... So, let's start from where I left off for now... and then... 

I think I'd like to consolidate the Polish Tour into 45 Things I've Learned from The Polish Tour - Summer 2011

1. If one is really sincere in their desire to do something, they can put up with, and welcome, a great deal of change in their life.
2. You really don’t need to be fluent in each other’s language to really love someone and honor and admire them.
3. People ALL over the world are starving for Spiritual Elixer.
4. People ALL over the world are trying to fill the mythical hole in thier hearts and souls with ‘stuff’
5. People ALL over the world are looking for the same thing, it just looks different on different people
6. Doing dishes until 3am, with people you love, is some of the most fun one could ever have.
7. Singing the Nrishimha Prayers twice a day is amazing, and I miss it.  
1. Nrishimha is a fierce protector of people who take complete solice in God.  When they are attacked and they ask for protection or need protection, He will take care.  
2. We sing Nrishimha Prayers at the beginning of any endeavor where there may be potential danger, for protection. We sang them on the bus to and from the festivals. It was beautiful
8. Language is words.  Feelings and Desire to Know come from the heart. It’s amazing how much one can actually understand by listening to another person’s heart.
9. There is such thing as too much cabbage.
10. Living with 21 women, in a small space, is difficult.  If you let it be.
11. Living with 250 people, in a slightly larger space, is difficult. If you let it be. 
12. Sleep is prescious.  
13. Sleep is VERY prescious.
14. No really, don’t mess with someone else’s sleep... 
15. It’s really not that hard to be considerate... Think of the person in front of you as supremely important. If they think of the person in front of them as supremely important, eventually the person you are standing in front of will think of you as supremely important.  This is really not that difficult... 
1. sometimes this is hard to do when someone has messed with your sleep.
16. The capacity some people have to give and give and give and give is unbelievably incredible.
17. You actually don’t really need to speak more than a word or two in each others language to communicate affection. 
18. Life’s lessons can all be learned in listening and watching.
1. a little inquiry never hurts this process
19. Being humble does not mean being treated badly is okay; however, turning a negative experience into a positive is the very enviable trait called Tolerance. 
1. I’m not very good at this thing called Tolerance.
20. Life never stops, no matter what.  It’s how we deal with it and respond to it that changes.
21. A bed can be way overrated.  
22. A floor can be very comfortable.
1. So can a bus seat, for that matter
2. and a box
23. Playing soccer (or football depending on where you’re from) with 13 year old Polish kids can be the most cathartic thing ever.
24. Everyone has a talent. 
1. Most people have multiple talents.
25. One is never too old to learn, to be enlighted, to ask for help, to change routes, to be humbled and grateful in the process.
26. God (whatever you want to call God) is unbelievably merciful and forgiving.
27. Communication is important.
28. Pasta sauce with olives in it, is a must from here on out.
29. A dirty bathroom is, well, dirty.
30. Alfred Hitchcock was originally going to write a screenplay about Poland, called “Bees”.  
1. He changed it and called it “Birds”... 
2. A movie about Polish Bees would have been just as good...
31. Standing on a bus for an hour trip, after doing a full 12 hour day, is not that difficult.
32. Children are beautiful. They love fully, without reservation or filter.  They are truth and have all the answers.  They are a perfect mirror during a quest for God.
1. think about that one
33. It’s VERY difficult to explain the Polish Tour to someone who has not experienced the Polish Tour.
34. Sometimes the people who have separated themselves the most, from the beautiful parade going by, are the ones who want the invitation to it the most. 
1. I witnessed this while handing out invitations on harinam... Usually I distributed them along the sea shore and it was amazing to see how surprised and grateful people were, who were standing in the water, to be included.  
35. Ukrainians, Mexicans, Americans, Russians, Polish, Germans, Latvians, South Africans, Austrailians, Indians, Italians (and ultimately any ‘ans’) can work together beautifully when there is a common goal.
36. Almette is one of Poland’s great contributions to the world... the world just doesn’t know it yet. 
37. Sometimes, there are people who don’t want unconditional love.  They respond in anger and ferocity to people who are love.
1. that’s kind of weird, huh?
38. Love can happen anywhere.
39. You can’t take the human out of the process of knowing God (whatever you want to call it).  Sometimes people mess up.  Sometimes people do regretable things. these people deserve that same unconditional love. 
1. sometimes more. 
2. it’s me who doesn’t have the patience, not them.
40. It’s really not that difficult to change a pattern of behavior, I might be used to, in order to be respectful to someone else’s norms.
1. ask yourself... are they a problem for me? no. am I being a problem for them? If yes, really, truly, how difficult is it for you to just change a touch for a little while. Out of respect.
2. If it’s really that difficult, are you just being stubborn? and, dare I say, ego driven?
41. Just because you’re tired, and maybe someone messed with your sleep, does not make it okay that you weren’t nice to someone...
42. Power struggles happen everywhere.
43. Not having the internet for days at a time, is okay.
44. Even a glimmer of hope, understanding and unconditional love is better than none at all.
45. Tour Birthday’s are pretty cool.
46. A spritual master/guide, on this path to knowing God (whatever you want to call it) is vitally important.
47. I want to go back.

Berlin 2.0

So, what keeps you up at night? These days, for me, it’s anything and everything. Currently, it’s 2:37am and I’m sitting in the common room of the hostel I’ve been staying in. There is a massive snore fest going on in the room I’m supposed to be cozied up in.  But no matter, a couple days ago, it was just a low rumble and I was awake from 12:30am-4.  When there was no noise, didn’t go to sleep until 4am… So, what’s keeping me awake? I don’t know.

Originally, I came to Berlin, early, to get acclimated to the time zone.  I hear, on the Polish Tour, sleep, taking care of your body and eating are important parts of the journey. So, I’ve stocked up on about $100 of Whole Foods quality protein bars, among other snacks.  I bought a wonderful, I mean wonderful, memory foam travel pillow and I came to Berlin early so I could be acclimated.  And, I haven’t slept.   Yeah, I do get some sleeping in between 4, 5, 6am to noon.  But, that’s not acclimated.  I’m supposed to be able to get up and be ready for the morning temple program by 7am.  That means up and at it probably by 6, depending on what the shower situation is which I figure I’ll figure out when I get to Poland.  So, here I am, leaving for Poland tomorrow and up typing this out to you, now.

I guess, on one hand, it’s good I’m doing it now before I move on from Berlin; however, on the other hand… remember that bed I’m supposed to be cozied in? Yeah, I’m not there.

So, I wanted to give you some tips for success on visiting Berlin… let’s just rattle through them, shall we?

First, the language.  I don’t speak a bit of German and even though I studied Spanish for quite a few years, it really doesn’t translate (even though I remember hearing Spanish/French/Italian/German are interchangeable... they NEVER have been for me).  Frankly, I can figure things out better reading them into English in my brain than Spanish.  Generally, when I go places, and need help, I first ask the person if they speak English. This is really important if you want to order a decaf coffee at the millions of café’s around here.  What? Not everyone has decaf (nto even Dunkin Donuts!!!).  Almost always, I’ve gotten a yes. Phew.  Sometimes I get a funny look or a no, but I have never gotten anyone who is upset with me because I didn’t ask in German or that I didn’t start a full blown conversation with them, in German.  The people have been exceedingly nice, especially about this. I’ve heard this isn’t necessarily the case in all European countries (ah hem… France), but I’ll let you know about those ones when I get there… someday.

Back to the people being nice. I mean, they’ve been really nice.  It’s been lovely.  I have enjoyed the people quite a bit. 

Even though Berlin has a dark past, they’ve done a fantastic job rebuilding it. It’s a beautiful, amazingly beautiful city.  I recommend taking long walks and getting comfortable with the public transportation, which, like most European countries, is incredibly readily available.  I’ve tried not to take the same route to or from my hostel every day. Even if it’s a few streets, I get a new glimpse of the area and have managed to get a look at some new Church or Museum or river walk or something.  It really is incredible here.  The city is set up for tourists quite amazingly.  Those river walks? Most of them have outdoor café’s that have random comfortable seating, from hanging basket chairs to no joke, beach loungers.  It’s funny, having frequented many beach vacation areas, to see that when the view is of, let’s say, a tram line.   Along with the beauty, I’ve been impressed with how clean the city is.  Almost every day, I saw a street cleaner going by me at some point.  There are trash cans on the street and recycling is a big thing here. Don’t be surprised if you see multiple people (while you’re sitting at a café watching the tram line) look into those trash cans to try to get the glass bottles out of there so they can recycle them.  It’s amazing.

Speaking of recycling.  This place puts the US to shame on taking care of the environment and the personal impact each one of us has.  It’s kind of embarrassing.  The grocery stores don’t have plastic bags you can just get.  Either you bring your own carrying container or you buy one or however many you need. And considering they cost more than one bottles worth of recycling, you’re probably going to bring your own.  There is virtually no plastic bottling, especially when you compare it to the US.  Milk comes in a carton of sorts.  My yogurt came in a glass jar.  It’s always driven me crazy, if China can go plastic bag less, why can’t the US (and don’t give me the Communist country, the people don’t have a choice line, that doesn’t work for me here)?

Back to how clean it is. Let’s talk a little bit about public bathrooms.  Since I’ve spent a good 8 hours a day out and about, I generally have to find a bathroom here or there. Luckily, I generally have a café or two to stop at; however, there are the times (quite a bit) where I’m at the train station.  Don’t be surprised when it costs you 1 Euro to use the toilet (I was).  Mind you, today, 1 Euro is $1.60.  But, let me tell you about how clean these bathrooms are.  There is someone there, employed, making sure you don’t have to roll your pants up before you drop trow, to… well, you know. And, there are always paper towels, and soap… and… well, let’s just say. I’d almost RATHER spend that euro to use the public loo!

I did mention the public transportation system, right?  Well, I’ve used all except for the Underground (and I tried to tonight but wasn’t familiar enough with it to start getting lost in it).  It’s VERY easy. Those of you from New York or Boston are going, duh.  But, you’ve probably got the most readily available public transportation in the country.  It’s nice here. Plus, I haven’t seen any 4Runners (I know, I own one - well, kinda'), big trucks or gas guzzlers.  I’m sure they’re out in the country, where they’re NEEDED, but I haven’t seen them in the city.  Smart cars and mini’s and tiny cars are the norm and many, many (not like Amsterdam many) many bikes and scooters are around.   And, bike rental is all over and, again, readily available.

So, this one surprised me. People can walk around drinking.  I’ve only seen beer. But, those large beer bottles the recycling people are searching for, are being drunk on the street as people walk home from work or during lunch.  Some of you are stoked and want to visit even more now.  It’s just something to note. Interesting and something I haven’t seen in any other city. 

Here are a few things to remember about shopping. Which, in Berlin, there is TONS of.  Because there are two fairly distinct city centers (remember that whole Berlin Wall thing?) there is massive shopping.  Berlin West, before the fall, was known as liberated and all of the shopping and café’s and such were considered a status symbol and what freedom and peace meant.  So, there is bunches of shopping in Berlin West (we’re talking Rodeo Drive, baby).  Once the East opened up and started to metropolize (new word), they opened up all of their own shopping.  I walked through both districts and it’s impressive.  Not to mention ALL of the shopping everywhere else.  It’s overwhelming.  And, closed on Sunday’s.  No kidding. All of it.  There may be something somewhere that’s open, but it wasn’t anywhere I walked for 8 hours on Sunday. And, my friend Meredith was in Frankfurt and said the same thing.  It doesn’t matter if you’re Prada or a grocery store. You’re closed.  How nice would that be?  To have a built in day off, no matter what? And, that day off would be the same day that all your friends and family have off too… Imagine that, built in community time…

 What’s also interesting is that not everywhere takes plastic.  I walked into a large convenience store (think Walgreen’s or CVS or something), loaded up on a few things and didn’t have enough cash on me to buy it.  This is not uncommon, especially in the grocery/food area.  So, make sure to have a supply of Euro’s at hand…  And, Berliners have great taste… I saw many Dunkin’ Donuts… Give it up for the DD… (Yeah, there were a bunch of Starbuck’s too, but I’m always partial to DD bringing it to the big guy).

Now, for lodging.  I stayed in a hostel.  I haven’t stayed in a hostel since 2007 when I went to Greece. Then, I had a private room, so my experience was very different; however, remember this.  Hostels aren’t just for college kids anymore.  I was feeling a little awkward reserving my room since I’m well above college age…  I need not to have worried.  Hostel traveling is for the budget traveler.  Which means you get every walk of life.  Now, I’d say it was probably 90% college type kid here; however, there definitely were some not so college age types here.  So, ladies, if your hostel has the option… get the ladies only room.  I’m in a room with 4 guys and me right now because I waited too long and the ladies room wasn’t available.  With the snore fest and guys being guys and all that fun stuff, I just don’t love the situation.  And I’m one of the more independent travelers I know.  There are plenty of hotels out there; however, again, need I remind you 1 euro = $1.60 right now? Really, what’s the point?  I highly, highly recommend www.hostels.com as a resource for hostel staying.  Read the reviews and go by the percentages.  Travelers won’t lie. 

To keep you busy.  There is so much in Berlin.  Tons of museums.  Tons of WWII remnants and landmarks.  I chose not to go down the museum route this trip because I wanted to be outside; however, there really were a million.  Even though I didn’t go to them, I was busy every day and saw something different every day.  If you choose to see the museums they have some great bundle options for admissions because it really will take you many days if you want to see them all.

Clothing… Let’s see, it’s rained all but one day that I’ve been here.  Generally it’s been off and on showers with intermittent sun with a couple days of just rain; so, have an umbrella or rain jacket. Today, I got seriously rained on.  Extra good dumping. Everything, everything wet.  So, be prepared for that.  The weather feels humid to me, but my skin was dry and my clothes I washed dried incredibly fast.  So, lotion is good but other than that basic late spring clothes work.  I had a very light sweater wrap that was very handy when the sun hid behind clouds, other than that tank tops/t’s, shorts/jeans are totally do able and I actually really enjoyed the weather.  Nice and temperate.  Apparently, I need to move to a place that is 75 year round… I’m loving this temperature, not too hot not too cold.  

So, I think that’s it for traveling in Berlin at this point.  Logistics and practicalities.  Just wanted to share if you’re ever interested in traveling here.

It’s now 3:22am and I’m going to start writing about something else so you have some more “Juice From the Road” to read about next time.  Part of what has been keeping me up is everything that is running through my head.  So, now that I feel like I’ve unblocked some of the blog block and now I have a bunch of things I want to share with you.  Although, from what I hear about the schedule I’m about to take on, there won’t be a whole lot of time, so wish me luck!

Here’s what I’ll tease you with for next time…

I feel like this whole ‘trip’ has been such a trip because I was ripe for the picking.  I actually, fell off the tree…

Berlin 1.0

Again, I wish I could write from my most creative moments… This time, it’s when I’m walking… can’t quite do both.

So, I came to the realization today that I’ve been suffering from a severe form of blog-block and think I may have found a way around it, for now.  I am missing a huge chunk of my journey that should be titled USA 1.0 - Virgina, USA 2.0 – East Coast Tour, USA 1.2 – Virginia again, USA 3.0 - Dallas, USA 4.0 – LA, USA 5.0 – Seattle, USA 4.2 – LA again… What I realized today is that I’m overwhelmingly struggling with how to communicate the deep love I have for all the people I was able to visit, stay with, share with and just be with.  You have all, in the past, present and future; have left an indelible mark on me and I hope to be able to express my gratitude in a more deserving way at some point in the near future. 

I also am not sure how to address the difficulties in my family because it’s such a huge part of my journey and an ongoing part as well.  The struggles I’ve gone through are something that so many people have had to deal with and I would hope the learning’s and realizations I’ve had over this experience could maybe, one day, mean something. For now, I don’t know how to even start to talk about it all and what it means and how deeply I’ve had to search into myself, my family paradigm, my worth to my family and what I’m willing to go forward with through this process. Needless to say, it’s been a long journey and a difficult one. Many many many tears have been shed over it. Hearts have been broken. Relationships torn apart. Illusions shattered. And, some real beauty has come from it as well. I am cautiously optimistic about the future.

So, that brings me to Berlin.  Someone who is very dear to me inspired me, today, to write from where I’m at; rather than where I’ve been. I do hope to re-visit where I’ve been over the last few; however, Berlin is bringing me to my knees in a whole other way.

I am in Berlin, preparing for, and waiting for “The Polish Tour” to begin. For those of you who don’t know what this is or I haven’t explained it to you, it’s this… Indradyumna Swami, the Swami I met in Vrindavan (gosh, that feels like seriously forever ago) has created “The Festival of India” along the Baltic Coast of Poland for 20 or 25 years now.  It looks like we’re going to be in 14 towns/cities this year. I’m going to try not to explain too much about it, since I really have no idea. It is my first time going.  I do know we’ll set up for 3 days at a time from place to place and have nightly performances of a taste of India with a nightly Bhagavad-Gita reading from Indradyumna Swami and a Kirtan… That’s about all I know. 

Indradyumna Swami graciously invited me to come and help out on the tour.  What I will be doing, I have no idea. I plan on pitching in wherever I’m needed.  I know that I have a whole host of qualifications and a resume that is pretty full of material abilities; however, when stacked next to these people who have been studying the Bhagavad-Gita for 5, 10, 20, 40 years, I feel wholly uneducated.  Or these amazing dancers who have studied Indian dance their whole lives and perform ‘on the big stage’, as it were, in India… yeah, not me… Or people who can do the most amazing yoga-asana – yeah, not in this body, yet.  Or people who desire, so much, to cook for thousands of people – please don’t put me in a hot kitchen, I sweat too much… I pretty much can come up with a reason or explanation as to how I would be a bigger bother than help. So, my intention is to go in and fill in the gaps and holes wherever needed.  I am going with a heart so full of gratitude to learn from all these amazing people, that I just hope I can help them do their ‘jobs’.  All in all, there will be 250-300 people who will be ‘working’ during the program!

So, I’m in Berlin to get acclimated and see more of the world and wait for the school, where we’ll be staying, to open.  I’ve been here for 5 nights and am deep into another night of no sleep.  It’s been epic.  I have never suffered jet-lag like this in my life, until today I finally realized that this absolutely just can’t be jet lag.  I don’t get to blame that anymore.

I’ve been walking around Berlin, seeing all the sights, taking pictures, fairly passively.  I walk down the street my hostel is on and all I can see when I look up is bombed out buildings. Because that’s what it was. Almost nothing in Berlin hasn’t been rebuilt.  I did see 1 building today that is known for the fact that it made it.  I get on the train and think about the people who were riding the same tracks to their impeding imprisonment.  A new friend told me how the kids of Berlin take field trips to old concentration camps… I took field trips to the White Mountains to see Glacial Boulders…  So, last night I finally got out of bed to eat something out of helplessness, since I couldn’t sleep.  I was sitting in the kitchen, pissed off, as I was stuffing green beans in my face… Finally, 6am I found sleep. 

As I was mulling over this whole thing today, trying to figure out what on God’s green earth could be keeping me awake, I realized that I am feeling this place.  And, that I feel stuff. Dammit.  Like, when people start rattling off their dreams to me. I haven’t done a ton of dream work, but enough to know that you’re telling me way more about yourself than you know or than I really want to know.  That, yes I actually am sensitive.  Yeah, shocker… here I am, a 33 year old woman saying I’m sensitive… I’ve always been the jock. I’ve always rolled with it. I’ve always been the president of this, captain of that, in charge of this, over that.  Generally, I haven’t allowed myself to feel through it.  Or admit that I feel.  The good news is, generally I move on so my whole life isn’t about to come crashing down on me in this moment, it just means I need to be more aware that I feel.  And, not just stuff.  My digestive system isn’t iron clad.  Food affects me.  Sleep affects me.  I’ve spent so much of my life just muscling my way through.  I have felt deeply and moved on.  I have been sick and kept going.  So often, these would be considered admirable qualities, right?  But, what’s admirable in that? If I blew off your experiences, or your feelings, or your indigestion when you came to me; wouldn’t that be callous and mean?  So, why should any one person be expected to blow off their lives’ experiences and just move on?  I say the hell with that.  So, as I’m walking through Berlin today, taking yet ANOTHER trip to the Holocaust Memorial because it fascinates me, I need to realize that I’m going to not just see 2,711 stone pillars.  I’m reminded that I need to be aware of what I’m subjecting myself to.  I think of a moment in India when we were getting a tour of the hospital and the director wanted to take us to the cancer ward.  Our guide was emphatic that we don’t need to go there.  This is a spiritual journey and we weren’t in a place to need to be that.  Now, different thing entirely if we were there for something else; however, let’s be aware of how we are affected because this effects how we affect others.  The question now, is can I integrate it all?  I’m not going to put myself in a bubble and I’m not going to keep blowing myself off either.

For now, I need to just be aware that I’m sensitive. I’ve lived my entire life as though I’m not. That there isn’t this deep, sweet tenderness in me.  And, that’s enough. How to integrate it will come.

And, so, hopefully, will sleep.

India 5.0 - I'm skipping to the end, for now

So, they say, in some of the most sacred places of India that the actual place can choose to let you in or not. Sometimes this means you won’t actually make it to the place. Sometimes this means you will get there and have to immediately leave. Sometimes this means that all you ‘see’ is the surface of the place and it’s not letting you ‘in’, per se.  It’s all in your soul and your heart and in your deepest desires. If you aren’t ready and you aren’t considered worthy, then the place won’t meet you.  I think I’m tending to believe this is true for pretty much all of India.  One day, I hope to speak the same about other parts of the world; however, my quest is here for now and probably for a while. 

I say this as I head back to the US tomorrow. I am sad. I know I will miss India with every part of myself. I know I will long for when I get to come back. And, I managed to get pretty sick last week. Some sort of allergic reaction that went into my bloodstream and manifested as the worst rash I’ve ever had, in my life, all over... then, because I scratch when I itch, even in sleep, ‘they’ think it got infected.  If I can tell you how brutal of an experience it was, I’m not sure you’d want to hear about it. Let’s just suffice it to say that I’m mostly better and am on my way back to the US.  

India let me know it was time to be done for now.  Time to regroup, reorganize, deal with some family stuff that’s cropped up, and get healthy before heading back out.  And, I’m okay with that. I wasn’t 100% ready to go back and I completely understand why I’m heading back.  

Funny, I got to see Radhanath Swami before I got sick and he said, as he was leaving India, “You, I’ll be praying for. I’ll be seeing you, soon.”  First, Thank GOD he’s praying for me. I certainly need it.  And, apparently he knew something I didn’t because he’ll be not far from where I’ll be, next week... HA! I love this path on so many levels!

In India, I got to come right up against everything I’ve been praying about for the last 8 or so months and got scared.  I have been very intent on what I’ve wanted. I have been very clear about what I wanted. At least I thought I was.  Then, this entire community started to welcome me and the God I was praying to started to answer my prayers and I got nervous.  So, given the opportunity to ask my Spiritual Master (that’s the placeholder I’ll be putting Radhanath Swami until we’re 100% clear that he is or isn’t) for guidance and help and shelter in his infinite wisdom, I froze. I got stuck in the mire of what does this look like? How do I fit in? Blah Blah Blah... and, that moment was forever lost.  Luckily, for me, this process has been ever so merciful and I get to ask myself if this is what I want, if this is where I want to be, if this is the Spiritual Path I want to take (even though I’ve been asking for it for months) and, if the answer is yes, I will get another chance.  Of this, I am sure.  

Because, what I’ve also learned about myself is I don’t give of myself easily. I don’t trust easily. I don’t rely on others easily. I would MUCH rather do everything on my own.  And, guess where that got me? On my own... duh.  And, what I realized, on a path to God, one can only go it ‘on their own’ for so long until they need help. Invariably, there will come a time when they will need guidance from someone who has walked the path before them.  This mentor, guru, priest, father, rabbi, etc. can come in many forms to suit the path that every person has chosen and resonates with... I am at this point.  Do I walk away, ‘content’ with how far I’ve come? Or, do I take a look at where I am and ask for help? Depend on others? Rely on others? and step forward from where I am? 

India knew I got scared and is sending me back to the US.  Amazing, huh?

Don't worry, the blog isn't ending... There is so much more waiting to happen!

India 4.1

I've been here for 6 weeks!!! Some moments it feels like a lifetime and some moments feel like an instant! Wow!

So, Mayapur and back to Mumbai.  I got to spend a week in Mayapur with some amazing people.
My dear Swami friend, Indradyumna Swami, suggested I go to Mayapur to experience the home of a huge Indian festival.  Lord Chaitanya Mahaprabhu came to earth 500 years ago to spread the glories of Kirtan. Now, I <3 Kirtan. In case anyone didn't notice. I highly recommend at least 1 experience of Kirtan in your life. Take note before you go, and notice while you're there, is there a moment of upset during your experience? I have yet to meet someone who has had a sad/frustrating/bad/angry/you name it experience while chanting Kirtan. "They" (the people I've been hanging out with) that Kirtan is purifying. One can walk into it with all those negative feelings and come out feeling completely transformed. It's powerful and fun and one of my favorite things on earth. I've since learned how much I love the mobile version of Kirtan called Harinam. Lord Chaitanya is credited with expanding the Harinam movement all over India. Gaura Prenima is the celebration of his "birth" and Mayapur is where he was "born". So, I went to celebrate.

It was wild! They say approximately 3/4 of a million people pilgrimage and visit Mayapur for Gaura Prenima. Let me tell you, I saw a good chunk of them! :) It's a pretty wild experience to be in India, at the heart of, during such a celebration. And, in Bengal, the poorest and most populous state of India, it's a totally different experience. These people walk with their elbows I tell you. I haven't been shoved so much in my life (though I haven't tried the public train system here)... So, I am beyond grateful for the experience to see and be in Mayapur before, during and after the festival.  I've heard Mayapur explained as the Hawaii of India. It's lush, tropical and pineapple fields are replaced by rice paddies. The people are beautiful and the country side is amazing.  I was lucky enough to stay with some people with easy access to the Ganges and got to 'dip' in it almost every day. With the eve of summer coming, you better believe I dipped in the refreshing, and they say purifying, Ganges. I met more amazing people who I will know for all of my life and have added to my family.

Then, I came back to Mumbai where I am hoping for a chance to speak to Radhanath Swami. I've spoken about him and am hoping he can also aid in my spiritual advancement.  What I've learned is, as a solitary person, one can only go so far.  On a spiritual path, virtually everyone I have studied with says you need a guru. Technically, no matter what you aspire to, one needs a master. How else does an engineer become and engineer? A master. Same thing, different names, different applications. I've gotten, I think, as far as I can go and am now asking for help. For those of you who know me, that's a big deal. I'm learning more and more about the bounds of my ideas of surrender and what does that really mean. It's a wonderful process. So, say a little prayer blessing for me, if you would.

Back to Ayurveda:
So, you remember me saying that I didn't get much information from my experience in southern India about my PK? The hospital we visited a few weeks ago has a GREAT Ayurvedic doctor and I decided to go back and get a full consultation.  I went with some new friends who were getting a check up as well. It was GREAT! I haven't been digesting food so well. I suspected it was because I ate a ridiculously large amount of pizza in Mayapur and I'm noticing that my body isn't so stoked on much cheese and wheat. Turns out, my intuition was pretty correct. I feel just fine, I'm just not you know, digesting food so well. So, I got a visit with the doctor, a full consultation and medicine for a week for the whopping price of 450 rupees (this is approximately $12).  Yeah, pretty sure I'll be taking care of all my future Ayurvedic needs here... Turns out, I'm a pitta/kapha not a kapha/pitta. There were a few key things about a kapha that weren't sitting quite right with me and I was relieved to hear this.  He gave me medicine and a strict diet to follow for the next 7 days (we need to get my tongue back to red, right now it's white and my appetite is a mess) and then a 30 day window to find out what the 'right amount of food for me is'.

Now, you and I have heard about a million different suggestions as to what the right amount is, right? Here's his advice because everyone is different and not one rule can be applied to anyone...
for 30 days, monitor your reactions when you eat.
- how is your breathing? labored or pressured - too much food
- are you sleepy for more than 10 minutes after eating - too much food
- can you walk, talk, laugh easily?
- do you have any abdominal pressure?
Now, tell me this isn't common sense. But, how often do we ignore the signs? And, after really paying attention to these signs, we can figure out how much is too much and how much is too little. And, eat that amount. Duh. This is to maintain our weight. If we'd like to lose (like I would) he has a special diet just for that for me to follow, later.
He also gave me all sorts of advice on what kind of food to eat when, time of day, sleep amounts, spiritual needs as a result of my dosha, etc. I have pages to organize on this. I'm excited to see him again for the next level of my Ayurvedic learning.

I also have an entire entry to write about some other stuff he went over with me about the PCOS and other stuff I've discussed in the past. Never did I think I would be coming to India to really get, I mean REALLY GET the masculine/feminine roles in life. It seems to be coming up at every turn for me, which isn't a huge surprise for a few of you who know me well, I'm sure. Women, don't miss this entry! There will be some for everyone.

As for my friends who got a check up. I highly recommend finding a good hospital, that you trust and know, and getting some of your health care there. One woman I was with got a full annual check up for 1500 rupees = approx $40. Blood work, eye test, teeth, so on and so forth. This hospital, I trust implicitly and know many people who have gotten treatment there. If you're in Mumbai, go to Bhakti Vedanta Hospital and you'll save a bundle of money and get good treatment. Last time we were there, they had signs for mammograms for $500 rupees, yeah $15!

Also, one of the greatest things about this experience is the fact that all of the medicine and treatment I'm getting is herbal. I'm not going to get into the conversation about pharmaceuticals; however, wouldn't it be nice if we could all remember what it's like to treat our bodies healthfully? In a way that is right with nature? Not altering our body composition but working WITH our body composition? I'm infinitely glad to be drug free. I've taken 3 advil/excedrin for headaches in 6 weeks... that's it. I haven't felt more normal in a real real long time.

So, for now, I'm in a bit of a limbo. I had originally planned to go North to Rishikesh and Dharamshala about this time. We'll see if that happens. I should know in the next couple days. Amazing how things can move so fast, aren't they?

I'm hoping you are all enjoying life and are happy and contented.

Great love to you!

Till Now Summary

So, we think the major construction here hit some major communication lines. Phone, Internet, everything was out for a few days. And, I can get the internet on the ol’ reliable iPhone, I’m just creating the most amazing phone bills for myself in the process. Oh well. Even locals were without communication for a few days which is interesting. Makes me wonder what it was like before cell phones. I think I got my first one when I was around 20, so I did manage to live before that without Facebook, blogs and immediate contact with whomever might want it with me, right?

It just means that once I post this, you’ll get a whole download of information because I haven’t been able to sync up or get on a computer to load the blog for a while. That’s okay.

I’ve gone back and read some of what I’ve written and I’ve left out quite a bit of detail. I asked for your forgiveness while I processed it. 

Back to Mumbai.  In Mumbai, we stayed in the Radhagopinath Temple, this is the ‘home’ of Radhanath Swami. This place is unique in that there are about 200 Brahmacharis who live here full time.  It is an amazing center of devotion and devotional service. We had daily yoga, daily Prashadam (this is an amazing thing I’ll explain later)/food, daily prayer and daily learning.  It’s a beautiful, beautiful place both aesthetically and emotionally. 

We got the chance to visit one of the many kitchens for a program called Mid-day Meals. This 1,200 square foot kitchen (300 feet of food, 300 feet of cooking, 300 feet of cleaning, 300 feet of storage) serves 260,000 meals A DAY to kids in school. The program, in total, serves 860,000 meals A DAY to school kids in India. Impressed? If not, think about how they have to also deliver every single one of these meals for a strict 30 minute window of serving, eating and cleaning up (in India remember, have we talked about the traffic here?).  Not Impressed yet? How about that there is a different meal each day of the week (6 days a week) and it’s all organic? If you’re not impressed yet, your hearts' made of stone... :)

We visited a hospital called BhaktiVedanta.  Devotional Service to the Lord Hospital. Yep. Love it.

From Radhagopinath, we traveled to an amazing Eco Village/Farm called Govardhan.  This place melted my heart. They are building a Yoga/Ayurvedic retreat center here that is the smartest, the SMARTEST living I’ve ever witnessed.  Converting Cow Manure into biofuel, building a swimming pool with all natural products (yeah, no red eye chlorine infested skin stuff), an Ayurvedic center, dorms, ‘cabins’, a whole area for the Cows, a new Temple, registration area, living quarters for employees, Organic farming, homemade milk, cream, ghee (YUMMMMMM), and so much more.  Not just smart in what they’re building it’s also HOW it’s being built.  The biofuel area is built specifically so that it can run from collection easily, into fuel to the nearby kitchen, into ‘waste’ that’s really great for the agriculture that’s right next to the repository.  This place is idyllic and brilliant and really incredible. 

What’s the cherry on top? The Service. We learned something about Bhakti.  Bhakti is everything you know it to be (or not), devotion, love, etc.; however, the next level of Bhakti is devotional service. The people I’ve been traveling with and staying with live their lives with Krishna/God as the center. Try this for just a couple hours, never mind a day or a life... ask yourself, what would God want? Not what would I want. What would God want? And, everything, EVERYTHING they do is in the service to God. So, the service has this most fantastic flavor to it. It’s sweet and delicate and caring and generous.  This is what really melted me at the farm.  I can’t explain it to you much better than that because it was so experiential for me.  

Then, we went to Vrindavan. I’ve talked some about it, in theory as well; however, this is another experiential place.  What really made it magic, for me, was meeting a man named Indradyumna Swami.  He is a Swami who has been studying God and serving for 40 years. He gets it. We were ever so fortunate to have his association for quite a bit. His schedule allowed for quite a bit of time with him, which is very unusual. These 'guys', Radhanath Swami and Indradyumna Swami and quite a few others have HUGE HUGE followings.  Indradyumna Swami could see that I was starting to get overwhelmed with everything and took a good amount of time out of his day to sit me down and talk with me about my path.  He never once looked at his watch, never once made me feel like I was taking his time, nothing. I actually was feeling a little selfish at how much time I had with him, knowing there had to be a whole line of people waiting to see him.  So, he gave me some guidance, thus how I got to Mayapur. If I’m really serious about this whole God thing. If I like what I’m experiencing. If I want to know more. I want to learn more. If all of that. THEN, he’s helped guide me.  And, because when we’re in the presence of a Spiritual Master, someone who get’s it, someone who’s done all this before, sometimes we get a little choked up and have a hard time expressing ourselves. He recommend that I go back to Radhanath Swami, and if he’s who I feel this with, ask for his guidance.  So, I go back to Mumbai tomorrow.  After that, no idea.

I’m sure in a week or so, I’ll be able to talk about Mayapur. Very different than Vrindavan, but also very interesting.  I’m so excited to have made new friends and glad to be able to come back and visit again.

Practicalities...

Laundry.  So, I mentioned I wash my clothes daily.  My roommate in South India left me some of her powder laundry soap which has been an absolute lifesaver, THANK YOU KAY!!! Tip for traveling. BRING A DRAIN STOP. In India, there are buckets everywhere for you to wash your clothes in. In case there’s not, bring a plug of some sort. I haven’t seen any and mine has been VERY useful. Get a flimsy one, not one of those hard ones, the drains are all different sizes.  You can get laundry powder here for something like 50 cents, so don’t bother bringing any. Also, clothespins are good to have. I bought them here for the other 50 cents of that dollar, but you can bring them if you’d like. 

Shoes:  I brought 1 pair of flip flops and 1 pair of sneakers. I’ve worn the sneakers a couple times and they’ve been useful... unfortunately, or I’d get rid of them. They can be a pain to pack.  I’m on my second pair of flip flops. There are shoes for sale all over the place and I got a great pair of flips for $5 in Vrindavan and left my ‘bad’ flips for someone less fortunate to find.

Stomach Issues: So, you’re bound to have some sort of stomach issues. I’ve been not ‘feeling it’ for about a day a two.  I highly, highly recommend a 24 hour fast when this happens. And, since I’m pretty cleaned out, 24 hours of not eating really makes a difference. Travel days are great for this for a couple reasons. 1. you’re traveling and you never know what you’re going to encounter in terms of food and facilities. 2. In India, on a Spiritual Pilgrimage, it’s often really great to help prepare your body for the next stop.  So, the trip to Vrindavan can only be helped by fasting on the travel day there, as opposed to potentially emotionally or unconsciously eating.

  

I ate 1 time today to get me through the day and I’ll be fasting through tomorrow.

Okay, do you feel caught up? I do. Mostly.

Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare

Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare

India 3.1

So, that happened. “That” being Vrindavan, India. They say, if you want to see Vrindavan, if you want to experience Vrindavan, if you want to feel Vrindavan, you must take a guide. A guide must take you behind the veil of poverty, dust, seeming destitution. Once one has walked behind that veil, one may never leave Vrindavan. I experienced that. I had the most amazing guides, the most amazing leaders, the most amazing introduction to the sweet, juicy, nectar filled world of Vrindavan.  I get it. I didn’t want to leave and I am craving my next visit, like they said I would. So much happened, I cannot even begin to explain it all. 

Let’s start with some practical information:

Some personal hygiene. 

Neti Pot. Neti Pot. Neti Pot. When you are traveling in a dusty, dry and dirty area, Neti Pot as much as possible. I haven’t been as much as I could, but believe me, all that gets stuck in your nose. It’s worth a run through of some salty water to clean you up.

Left Hand Watchers.  You know who you are.  Yeah, if you’re going to be in India for any amount of time,  one may as well get over it and just deal with ‘it’.  You know what 'it' is. Here’s an interesting thought. I’ve never witnessed someone come out of the bathroom and not wash their hands here, in some form or another. America? All the time.  Think about that next time you dive into the ‘community’ pretzels at work. :)  BHAHAHAHAHAHA. I’m still not perfect at the whole Indian toilet thing, but; getting there. 

Internet. Yeah, not super reliable.

Plans. They can change, and change a LOT!

I was supposed to be in Goa tonight, instead I’m on the complete other side of the country in Mayapor for a huge festival called Guara Pranema... 

It’s 8:30 and I’m going to bed because I’m tired and want to wake up at 3:30 for morning  prayer (it’s earlier in some temples).

Spiritual Pilgrims:

If you spend many months intently praying to God, begging for association with whatever that looks like for you, wanting your life to change with every cell in your body and you sincerely make the effort for that to happen; don’t be surprised when it does.  It happens. I’m a testament to that.  Clearly, I can't say that enough... right?

More later... 

India 2.4, 2.5

So, if you go to India for a Spiritual Pilgrimage, and your heart is set, deeply, on your desires; do not be surprised if everything you thought would happen changes to exactly what you need. 

I came here for approximately 4 months. I had the first month and a half planned out. 2 weeks at an ashram in South India, 2 weeks at Amma’s Ashram in South India, 2 weeks at a yoga retreat center in Goa (central West India) and then whatever. So, the first 2 weeks happened. I’m now into week 3 and find myself in Vrindavan for a 6 day stay and after the 6 days, I go back to Mumbai to stay in the Temple for an extended stay (that means, I’m not sure how long).  My hearts yearning has been strong and consistent and focused, though very open to the outcome. I am finding myself in awe that I have come to be at this point.  

One of my travel companions mis-booked her flight home which has changed our trip.  (It’s easy to do, I showed up in Africa an entire day earlier than an entire group of 14 or so, so it’s been done.)  This allowed for our schedule to change and me to ask if I can go back to Radhagopinath Temple once our trip is over. The answer, yes.  We then got to decide about the last week of our trip, which included a trip up to Rishikesh and Haridwar. We have decided to stay in Vrindavan and soak up, sink into, relish and roll around in the sweet nature of the amazing city of Krishna’s home. My heart couldn’t be happier about these 2 changes in my schedule. Also, funny. The yoga retreat place had something go wrong with their restaurant and it seems the email from them explaining that that leg would be different was just part of the magic of the entire thing.  

Spiritual Travel Tip:

In some of these cities, you must have an ‘insider’ guide. Someone who knows how the city/temple/whatever works. This way, you get to go behind the veil, pull back the curtain and see the wizard. We are being led around by the most beautiful people who are filling us up with the most amazing information and teaching us to our hearts content. I’m so excited for our tour tomorrow of we don’t even know, by Lila, who has lived here for 7 years. I’m sure only more and more revelations will come.

Toiletries Packing Tip:

Unless you are really married to your soap, shampoo, etc. I say leave it at home and buy here. I have a great brand of shampoo and soap that I bought for something around $5. That’s shampoo, conditioner, soap and face wash all for $5, oh yeah and a new toothbrush.

I’m all over the board tonight. Haven’t had internet for days and am actually dreading when I do have it again, I’m not interested in “what’s out there” right now... interesting. I might have actually reached technology detox... that would be something amazing.  I need to sleep now. Morning Arati (prayer) is 1/2 hour earlier here. So, I must wake up at 4:10.

Blessings to you on your journey. May it be filled with all the magic needed for your hearts desires to come true.

India 2.5

A week without Internet. I can’t tell you how grateful I am that I haven’t had the internet, plus, I’m actually thinking I’ve done a good job detoxing from it. 

India 2.2 and India 2.3

This morning, I got up at 4:30 to go pray. Yep, me. There are two things in that very short sentence that will shock a bunch of people I know.  1. I got up at 4:30.  2. To pray.  And, I plan on doing it again tomorrow.  

And then, we leave one of the most amazing places I’ve ever been.  With serenades of car horns and the lights of the city of Mumbia in the background, Radhagopinath Temple is a sanctuary of love, devotion, and service in action.  The community here has touched my soul with joy and happiness and awe.  The air is filled with the Maha Mantra and everyone is welcomed with love and acceptance.  

As a woman, in this community, I have many questions and worries. I wonder what does the Hindu world, the Krishna Conscious world think of an outspoken, exuberant, ‘powerful’ western woman? I don’t do meek and mild mannered very well. I know, you’re shocked by that confession.  The answer has been unfolding very beautifully. Though there are FAR fewer women than men and the Brahmacharis are the heart of the heart of community; I have felt watched over, protected, accepted (joyfully), included, and encouraged. Not only by the Brahmacharis as well as the women. I haven’t had an encounter yet where I haven’t felt like there hasn’t been a Mataji (Mother) looking out for me and many sisters including me.  I have done some Men’s and Women’s work on my path and am eternally grateful for it in this moment.  To have reverence and understand the differences between the Brotherhood and Sisterhood is serving me well. Instead of being resentful of the fact that I can’t ‘play’ with the guys, I get to feel a part of the fold of the girls.  I honor the men and their initiations and their circles and after an initial glance toward the love filled mosh pit (Thanks Vanessa for that description, it’s perfect), I didn’t look back because us women were doing our own dance (the Indian Electric Slide) and it was lovely.  I continue to have questions and they will continue to get answered I’m sure; and I look forward to the continual unfolding.  

There is so little I feel like I can ‘write on paper’ about the last few days because no matter the situation, I keep coming back to gratitude. I am so excited to learn, see, do and I am speechless in gratitude of what I have seen, learned and done.  I am a mix of reverence, observance, wonder and joy that my life has brought me to this moment.

And the FOOD???? I mean, the food is absolutely incredible! I am in heaven with food... Just saying.

So much is so deeply personal, I haven’t found a way to express it yet. So, hopefully you can be happy with my sincerest gratitude.  

Jai (victory) Life

Jai 

Jai

Jai

~Dylan

Words of Advice:

I am in, by no means, a position to offer advice; however comma.  Don’t quit your job, change your life, beg, cry, demand, I mean really beg, pray, get on your knees on the earth, beg, lie on your bathroom floor begging for your life to change; if you don’t want it to.  

I did all of that, and it has.  Many people have likened my journey to “Eat, Pray, Love” a fantastic book. Mine is different order and looks different; however, I definitely have had a “bathroom floor” moment(s) (okay, I’ll cop to many bathroom floor moments). I definitely have had to take some serious “stock” of my life and look at where I am in it and decide if it’s a life worth living. Not that I was ever close to suicide, just that I had pretty much lost all hope. I was on the bathroom floor, many of those times puking because I’d been out drinking myself stupid the night before. Then, when I’d built up enough tolerance to not be a puker, I was on the bathroom floor because I couldn’t get out of bed or cried on my way to work, every day.  It was a bleak picture for me. I felt stuck, I was.  I felt trapped, I was. So, I begged, begged. I actually started praying to God back then because I needed something to prove to me that “this” was going to change.  I was one of those, “You know God,” I said, “this is kind of your last chance.  I need you to show yourself to me because I need something, anything to go right. I’ve never really truly believed in you and here’s your chance to prove to me that you do exist.”  Then my boss got fired, thank God (really), and it was too late. I was too far gone. I knew, in my core, that I needed to change everything. So, I begged some more. 

I went through the motions for some of the time. Because I was a big believer in “fake it ‘till you make it” mentality.  I knew it could only get better.  I mean, it had to right? I mean, seriously. I once went out drinking with my friends (thank GOD for them!!! They are the most amazing people on the face of the earth. Without them, I would have been in a horrible, horribly scary place), woke up the next morning and couldn’t find my keys. I walked, for the first time EVER, 5 blocks to the coffee shop to get some coffee (and I felt pretty amazing, which was amazing). I got a hold of my dear dear friend Elery asking if she had my keys. I text a couple other friends, cuz’ who KNOWS where my keys were). Finally, I decided I had nothing better to do, so why not clean my really super messy house? Upon cleaning out the kitchen sink, I found my keys!!! Yep, I lost my keys in my kitchen sink. 

Anyway, I begged for my life to change and I am ecstatically happy to let you know it has! I don’t even know to what depths yet because the magic moments are too many to count.  Though, I do know, God answers prayers. I have had WAY TOO many of mine answered these days for them not to be grace granted.  It’s no longer a coincidence. 

I still don’t know where I’m going to live, what I’m going to do, what my life is going to look like, or really anything; however, I’m in the mystery of it all still and plan to be for quite some time. I’m amazed and fascinated and really curious about where I’ll end up, but until then, I’m more than happy to just figure it out as I go.

I have never been more happy, more grateful, more filled with joy over my future based on a radical decision to leave my previous life. Tonight, I got to witness the most amazing children sing the most amazing Kirtan. I have been cared for, my every need anticipated, my every hearts yearning (that I had no idea about) satiated and my every prayer heard. I have seen men being men, holy people being holy people, women being women, and life being lived how it should be.  I can only speak of it in this description right now, because I’m still in it. I have stayed at a Krishna temple and eaten the most amazing food and woken up at 4:30am so I could go pray. I have stayed at a Vedic Farm seen orphans revel in God and woken up at 4:30am so I could go pray.  

My life has changed.

A Word on Packing:

I packed too much.  I actually would like to send some stuff to my sister and am trying to keep myself from sending most of it. I am looking to send back 3 long sleeve tops, 2 pair of yoga pants, 2 pair of socks, some electronic stuff that’s redundant and some other gift type stuff that I’ve acquired.  I am left with 3 t-shirts, 3 tank tops (yoga, sleep, undershirt), 2 leggings (I’m not far from losing 1 because of wear), 3 skirts (I bought one that I love) 3 pair of pants (one is for sleeping, 1 for yoga, 1 for every day wear), a couple pair of undies, some sports bras, 2 pair of socks, sneakers, flip flops that are on their last feet, a hair towel, 3 scarves (one of the smartest things I did was pack these. I have a couple oversized scarves and one has doubled as a sheet regularily and I am lending another out right now. The other is small and diaphanous and often is a hair covering for me (like a bandana) they’re brilliant), and a bunch of toiletries and stuff. I wash clothes once or twice a day, depending on the activity and I’m fine. No one cares if I wear the same clothes every other day. Really. I promise.

I have to sleep now so I can get up at 4:30am.

Hari Bol!