I find myself afraid to say the word “God”...

I’m not sure when it started. I think, especially in the United States, we have been raised with the separation of Church and State and are ingrained with the idea that these two shall never meet. I think some of us, myself included, have taken the separation of Church and State to also mean the separation of “Church and Self”.  We aren’t supposed to talk about God in School or at work.  We aren’t supposed to overtly show signs of believing in any sort of God.  Thus, religious persecution and hiding is quite normal.  

Somewhere along the way, I separated my being from that of God.  

Though I have always been searching.  I was raised without any real connection to any church and was not forced to go to church, except for major holidays... In fact, I asked to go to church on a regular basis.  I remember walking to church when I was between 9 and 12, by myself.  I remember asking my grandparents if I could go to Catholic Church with my friend Shallan. I often would go to church with my best friend, Sarah, who was raised Mormon.  And, often times, I would be included in their youth group activities, when I could be.  I look back, now, and realize I must have started looking for a relationship with God at a young age.

Clearly, I didn’t find Him in any of these places.  I was always so confused when I went to Sunday School and had to study the Bible, and I never felt the ‘hook’ when in class with any of my friends.  Somewhere along the way, I realized God was not in a Church and thoroughly divorced myself of all religion.  I also became almost rigid in my detachment of any Dogma.  I found myself virtually against God.  I respected others who had religion but I quietly mocked it because it made no sense... And, heaven forbid someone try to preach to me... 

During my search for God (though I did not realize it was this), I was introduced to Spiritual Development.  I spent thousands and thousands of dollars working on my relationship with myself for many many years.  I am forever grateful for everything I learned from this particular “Mystery School” because it helped me grow and learn so much.  I absolutely believe it helped me come to the place where I am now.  (This is a whole other entry, one day, that is a huge chunk of my life.)

Through all of these experiences, there is a similar vein of truth.  I kept looking.  I was never satisfied with what I found in the Catholic Church, I was never satisfied with a single workshop, I was never satisfied with my walk to Church by myself... Though, each one of these may have given me temporary relief, I kept searching.  I kept feeling as though something was missing.

Then, I found God.  I remember writing a status on Facebook, “Hi, my name is Dylan and I believe in God.”  I can’t remember exactly when this was, if I was still in Nebraska going through Hell or if I had quit my job and was starting to open up to anything new.  Though, I do remember feeling nervous about writing it.  

It took quite some time before I understood what this statement meant to me... 

Since then, I have learned that “Surrender comes from the Heart”, a mantra I use very often.  I had to search and search until I found someone who could talk to me about God in a way I could understand.  I had to search and search until I found a scripture that made logical sense to me.  I had to search and search until I found a God who transmitted a merciful stance, one of unconditional love in the face of any calamity, any action, any misdeed.  I had to search and search until I found my “God Family”.  And, every day, I thank that God for bringing me to Him and His family, which really is everyone.  What I found was that my heart had surrendered without me even knowing it, it was miraculous... 

So, why am I scared to say His name? I remember when I first started earnestly praying to Him, I even have the journal entry, I was afraid that if I picked one path than I’d be severing ties with ‘all the other paths’.  That, if I said I believe in x than all the a’s, b’s, c’s and y’s would no longer talk to me, excommunicate me and whatever else imagination I have about this subject (which are actually quite founded, though a different story, different time).  My experience of so many religions is that the dogma believes THEIR way is the THE ONLY WAY and any other way is going straight to Hell.  I have never and will never ever ever, I repeat ever, believe this.  

And, my relationship to God is my very deeply personal relationship to God.  As yours is with whatever you want to call it.  I could never force someone to submit to God because surrender only comes from deep within the heart or in battle, and who wants to be forced to surrender about such a deeply personal subject?  That kind of surrender rarely, if ever, works.  We have countless of examples of this ‘issue’ in our current world ‘order’.  

Meanwhile, I have a friend on facebook, John, who has created an very admirable relationship with God and he puts all of these amazing quotes on facebook  I want you to hear what I have to say, because one of the things I’ve learned to my very core, in the last few years, is that this searching, this desire for a merciful reservoir of love cannot be found in a bottle of alcohol.  This searching for someone to love us no matter what is not found in a 52” flat screen TV.  This desire to have someone accept, gladly and reciprocate the massive amounts of love I feel I have to give, cannot be found in a random tryst of a relationship or the latest fashion fad.  No, this and so much more can only be held by something bigger than human love. Bigger than the capacity and moody, emotion filled person can manage.  Bigger than a multi-billion dollar sex industry can deliver.  

This love, I have felt.  

As a result, I want to be able to share my experiences with you, with a stranger, with anyone who is interested in knowing why the path they have been taking in earnest searching hasn’t worked... I have tried so many things and in the end, it was so simple.  

And, like my friend Nancy said a few months back... "You're still normal".  Because I have developed this relationship with God, does not mean I'm a different person. Yes, I may relate to the world a little differently.  Yes, I may never eat meat or drink alcohol again in my life; but, I am who I am... still me. Just more balanced, more rooted, more centered, more open, more more-ness... 

So, I believe in God.  I pray to Krishna (and quite a few others).  And, I believe however you want to pray is right too.