So, they say, in some of the most sacred places of India that the actual place can choose to let you in or not. Sometimes this means you won’t actually make it to the place. Sometimes this means you will get there and have to immediately leave. Sometimes this means that all you ‘see’ is the surface of the place and it’s not letting you ‘in’, per se. It’s all in your soul and your heart and in your deepest desires. If you aren’t ready and you aren’t considered worthy, then the place won’t meet you. I think I’m tending to believe this is true for pretty much all of India. One day, I hope to speak the same about other parts of the world; however, my quest is here for now and probably for a while.
I say this as I head back to the US tomorrow. I am sad. I know I will miss India with every part of myself. I know I will long for when I get to come back. And, I managed to get pretty sick last week. Some sort of allergic reaction that went into my bloodstream and manifested as the worst rash I’ve ever had, in my life, all over... then, because I scratch when I itch, even in sleep, ‘they’ think it got infected. If I can tell you how brutal of an experience it was, I’m not sure you’d want to hear about it. Let’s just suffice it to say that I’m mostly better and am on my way back to the US.
India let me know it was time to be done for now. Time to regroup, reorganize, deal with some family stuff that’s cropped up, and get healthy before heading back out. And, I’m okay with that. I wasn’t 100% ready to go back and I completely understand why I’m heading back.
Funny, I got to see Radhanath Swami before I got sick and he said, as he was leaving India, “You, I’ll be praying for. I’ll be seeing you, soon.” First, Thank GOD he’s praying for me. I certainly need it. And, apparently he knew something I didn’t because he’ll be not far from where I’ll be, next week... HA! I love this path on so many levels!
In India, I got to come right up against everything I’ve been praying about for the last 8 or so months and got scared. I have been very intent on what I’ve wanted. I have been very clear about what I wanted. At least I thought I was. Then, this entire community started to welcome me and the God I was praying to started to answer my prayers and I got nervous. So, given the opportunity to ask my Spiritual Master (that’s the placeholder I’ll be putting Radhanath Swami until we’re 100% clear that he is or isn’t) for guidance and help and shelter in his infinite wisdom, I froze. I got stuck in the mire of what does this look like? How do I fit in? Blah Blah Blah... and, that moment was forever lost. Luckily, for me, this process has been ever so merciful and I get to ask myself if this is what I want, if this is where I want to be, if this is the Spiritual Path I want to take (even though I’ve been asking for it for months) and, if the answer is yes, I will get another chance. Of this, I am sure.
Because, what I’ve also learned about myself is I don’t give of myself easily. I don’t trust easily. I don’t rely on others easily. I would MUCH rather do everything on my own. And, guess where that got me? On my own... duh. And, what I realized, on a path to God, one can only go it ‘on their own’ for so long until they need help. Invariably, there will come a time when they will need guidance from someone who has walked the path before them. This mentor, guru, priest, father, rabbi, etc. can come in many forms to suit the path that every person has chosen and resonates with... I am at this point. Do I walk away, ‘content’ with how far I’ve come? Or, do I take a look at where I am and ask for help? Depend on others? Rely on others? and step forward from where I am?
India knew I got scared and is sending me back to the US. Amazing, huh?
Don't worry, the blog isn't ending... There is so much more waiting to happen!
