11 Things I've learned from 2011

So, 2012 is here and I don't do New Year's Resolutions, but I write intentions and prayers and beg for guidance and inspiration and love and so much more... This year, I want to reflect on 2011 as I write my prayer for 2012.  


I want to share 11 Things I've learned from 2011...
              The smart one's are going to count this and see there are only 6 things right now... well, smarty pants, I have homework to do and need to get to it. But, I wanted to at least get rolling on the beginning parts of this...


I hope, pray, meditate on, and wish all of your 2012's to be magic, fun filled, inspirational, and amazing.  You are all such special souls and I wish you nothing but happiness for the coming year.  

• If you let God guide you through your path, your heart will be filled.
• All my life I have searched for something to love me, enough. Someone who can appreciate me, enough. Someone who can understand me, enough. And, when that failed, I resorted to other things and methods because I have so often felt deeply misunderstood or just too complicated.  And, primarily that no one would be willing to really take the time to know my heart rather than what I look like, what I earn, what I drive, what I (fill in the blank with many superficial things here).  Until, one night in October 2010, I was sitting at the feet of a Swami who said that all the heart is really wanting is someone who will accept the love we have to give... I think I was immediately transformed.  ALL this time I actually looking for someone who would just let me love them. Simply, love them... And, I felt like no one would let me and warped that into no one loves me... And then I did all sorts of unmentionable things because I was ‘unloved’.  The second half of what the Swami said was that only God has the capacity to unconditionally, constantly, always accept my hearts love.  Because human love is fickle. No matter how unconditional it is, it’s fickle.  Not that I’m discounting my mother’s love for me or my best friend’s love for me or some boyfriends love for me (though, since he’s considered some boyfriend, we’ll just say that love was clearly fickle); what I’m saying here is my mom might wake up grumpy one morning (in the case of my mom, it’s most mornings... :) xoxo) or my best friend may be really tired because she’s adjusting to life with two children or that my sister has 4 kids and a full time job and is um, yeah, tired. Or my boyfriend drank too much last night and is hung over. Or, or, or... I think you get the drift... so, in those moments, these people, these amazing humans who are really amazing and love me wonderfully, have their moments where they simply cannot accept my love.  This is probably why we love our pets so much in America. They will accept our love 100% of the time (generally).  So, once the bell went off in my head, I got it. I mean really got it.  I’d been misdirecting my expectation of unconditionality on conditional beings.  Wow! Right?  By the end of 2010, I was deep into the path of (trying) to surrender... So, I prayed really hard last year to be taken where I need to go for my highest good.  I asked God to do this for me. I begged for the Divine intervention in my life.  And, what have I gotten?  A life that I call The Magic Carpet Ride.  Are there still moments when I feel unable, less than, unworthy? Yes. And, 99.9% of the time it’s when I’m interacting in a human relationship (including myself).  But, the magic of this year has been that my heart is full. I mean, bursting (forget spilling over) with love.  And, I know this love, is a deeper love a love that is constantly flowing, that will not be taken away from me, that actually will forever be reciprocated.  And, even when I thought I wasn’t loved, I was; I was just looking in the wrong place... I have deep questions about where in the world I will live, what ultimately will I ‘do’, who will this be with and what will it all look like; but, I have absolutely no question about whether I am loved or not.  My heart is full.
• Gratitude is the worlds best medicine
• There have been many many times over the year where I have been uncertain and unhappy and concerned, angry, frustrated, hurt, sad and so on and so forth.  Though my heart drips with drops of love, I am still living a human life that is full of all the crap that comes along for the ride with the human existence.  What I’ve found though, is that being grateful for even the most difficult and most unsightly allows me to transform the feelings of negativity into something quite positive.  I’ve found when I say I’m grateful for the person who might be behind the hurt, I can get beyond the hurt.  I’ve found that if I say I’m grateful for the circumstance that made me worry about money, I can move beyond the money and focus on the moment.  I heard a saying (probably on facebook somewhere) that anxiety is worrying about the future and sadness is focusing on the past.  I’ll add that gratitude belongs in the present.  Try it.  Seriously, the next time you’re really pissed off at your husband/wife - say something about why you’re grateful they are in your life, i.e. “Joe Husband has been so supportive of me when I’ve gone through college this year,” and see how quickly you forget about what they did to upset you.  It may take time to remember to be grateful, don’t worry, that’s natural... but, once you do this regularly, it becomes habit and we live life less in the mindset of anger or whatever past or future feeling that doesn’t belong in the moment.
• Peace, Love and Light does not mean don’t Fight
• In this ‘New Age’ of Peace, Love and Light, people often preach that we should be tolerant of everything. We should have NO perceived negative feelings.  We should run around hugging everyone in the world and dream in cartoon and poop rainbows.  I’m pretty sure this might be causing a lot of the depression in the world.  I’ve tried and I’ve tried but I am not pooping rainbows yet... alas, maybe one day.  You may think this statement is contradictory to my last statement, but it’s not.  There are appropriate times to fight for something.  When the ‘thing’ is to be used for a greater good. When someone is being unnecessarily attacked.  When someone who is pure hearted is being attacked.  There is a very slippery slope here though.  When the something or someone is being used as an excuse for personal or material gain, it turns the fight into manipulation.  We all know there is ‘just’ and ‘right’ behavior.  And, we are benefitted if we are able to learn how to tolerate all sorts of un-just, and incorrect behavior.  To tolerate means to take some negative experience and turn it into a positive.  Although, sometimes, some things become intolerable and we must fight.  When someone is mistreating another, I have stepped in.  When something inaccurate has been spoken, I have spoken up.  When someone is taking advantage of their situation, I have spoken up.  When someone has attacked a saintly person in my life, I have a few I am lucky enough to have in my life, I speak up.  The difficulty here is differentiating when and how to fight.  I’m not perfect. There have been times, in 2011, when I have spoken and acted poorly because I was hurt, angry or you name it.  I am wildly imperfect here and have sometimes made bigger messes because I thought I was doing right when I might not have been. I have caused hurt and I have begged forgiveness as a result (sometimes FAR later than I should have) and have sometimes been forgiven and sometimes not.  And, there are plenty of examples where there is still fighting.  I have sometimes had to step back for fear of acting worse.  So, I learned that there are times to fight (they should be rare) and that I’m not very good at figuring out when, where and how... But, I’ll keep working on it.
• Being born into the family we are is a Karmic Reaction
• I know virtually no one who doesn’t believe in Karma in one form or another.  I also know virtually no one who doesn’t struggle with their family in one form or another.  I have learned quite a bit about karma this year and that I was born into my family for a specific karmic reason. I got the chance to ask my Spiritual Master this year about family and walking away from them, because at one point I was completely ready to do just that. I was very concerned that if I didn’t figure out the crap in my family I would be left having to deal with it again, next life and I am damn sure I don’t want to do that; and I was worried about just walking away clean break, if it was spiritually okay. He said, “Only some very special souls (which I have concluded I am not) can heal a family hurt...  ...We need to be very careful that we don’t get mixed up in their (other family members’) karma... ...We should only think of leaving or walking away from our family when they are an impediment on our Spiritual Life, our Relationship with God.”  So, I’m still dealing/struggling with my karma.  I love my family.  Each and every member of my family.  And, I’m grateful for them.  And, I appreciate their support.  And, in 2011 I learned that this is a fight worth fighting (see previous). Until it’s not.
• Home is where my head rests
• I’ve always loved to travel.  I will always love to travel.  In January I either sold or packed up all of my belongings and put it in storage.  Since then, the longest I have slept in the same place was a floor in a classroom with about 20 other women (most of whom did not speak English).  The longest I had my own bathroom was 3 weeks in Vrindavan, India in October.  And, I haven’t slept in what I would consider my own bed (even though at the time it wasn’t even then) since January 14th-ish.  I have slept in India, Washington, Poland, Texas, Greece, Maine, Los Angeles (twice), India again, Massachusetts, Virginia (twice), Germany, New York (thrice), Washington DC... I think this is it.  Almost every place, because I’m visiting amazing people and seeing amazing things and meeting amazing people; I’ve fallen in love with where I’m at.  Like I said, I worry about where I’m ultimately going to settle, every now and then, but in the meantime, I relish the places I’m living that I get to call home.  I’ve adopted the philosophy and saying that I’m from everywhere and I live nowhere... it’s a glorious position to be in... 
• It’s never too late to become a Sister (or brother or whatever...)
• My sister and I are VERY different people.  Outwardly. We’ve reacted to life differently. We’ve had very different childhoods that have produced seemingly different people.  She has 4 children. Me none.  She has lived in the same state for something like 14 years. In that time, I’ve lived in 4 states and probably had 10 addresses.  She is married. Me = not.  She is a teacher. I would probably damage those poor developing minds.  The list goes on and on.  Since our Grampa died a couple of years ago, she and I have proceeded to become very close. And, well, we’re not all THAT different.  Not when it comes to the heart.  I’ve so appreciated getting to know her over the last couple of years and am so incredibly grateful to call her friend and sister.  And, though I won’t reveal our ages (and, I’m pretty sure we both don’t care), let’s just say we were in our 30’s when this process started.  Ramsey, thank you and I love you and the whole family.  Thank you for being a friend (yeah, I just broke into the Golden Girls tune here...) teehee

I find myself afraid to say the word “God”...

I’m not sure when it started. I think, especially in the United States, we have been raised with the separation of Church and State and are ingrained with the idea that these two shall never meet. I think some of us, myself included, have taken the separation of Church and State to also mean the separation of “Church and Self”.  We aren’t supposed to talk about God in School or at work.  We aren’t supposed to overtly show signs of believing in any sort of God.  Thus, religious persecution and hiding is quite normal.  

Somewhere along the way, I separated my being from that of God.  

Though I have always been searching.  I was raised without any real connection to any church and was not forced to go to church, except for major holidays... In fact, I asked to go to church on a regular basis.  I remember walking to church when I was between 9 and 12, by myself.  I remember asking my grandparents if I could go to Catholic Church with my friend Shallan. I often would go to church with my best friend, Sarah, who was raised Mormon.  And, often times, I would be included in their youth group activities, when I could be.  I look back, now, and realize I must have started looking for a relationship with God at a young age.

Clearly, I didn’t find Him in any of these places.  I was always so confused when I went to Sunday School and had to study the Bible, and I never felt the ‘hook’ when in class with any of my friends.  Somewhere along the way, I realized God was not in a Church and thoroughly divorced myself of all religion.  I also became almost rigid in my detachment of any Dogma.  I found myself virtually against God.  I respected others who had religion but I quietly mocked it because it made no sense... And, heaven forbid someone try to preach to me... 

During my search for God (though I did not realize it was this), I was introduced to Spiritual Development.  I spent thousands and thousands of dollars working on my relationship with myself for many many years.  I am forever grateful for everything I learned from this particular “Mystery School” because it helped me grow and learn so much.  I absolutely believe it helped me come to the place where I am now.  (This is a whole other entry, one day, that is a huge chunk of my life.)

Through all of these experiences, there is a similar vein of truth.  I kept looking.  I was never satisfied with what I found in the Catholic Church, I was never satisfied with a single workshop, I was never satisfied with my walk to Church by myself... Though, each one of these may have given me temporary relief, I kept searching.  I kept feeling as though something was missing.

Then, I found God.  I remember writing a status on Facebook, “Hi, my name is Dylan and I believe in God.”  I can’t remember exactly when this was, if I was still in Nebraska going through Hell or if I had quit my job and was starting to open up to anything new.  Though, I do remember feeling nervous about writing it.  

It took quite some time before I understood what this statement meant to me... 

Since then, I have learned that “Surrender comes from the Heart”, a mantra I use very often.  I had to search and search until I found someone who could talk to me about God in a way I could understand.  I had to search and search until I found a scripture that made logical sense to me.  I had to search and search until I found a God who transmitted a merciful stance, one of unconditional love in the face of any calamity, any action, any misdeed.  I had to search and search until I found my “God Family”.  And, every day, I thank that God for bringing me to Him and His family, which really is everyone.  What I found was that my heart had surrendered without me even knowing it, it was miraculous... 

So, why am I scared to say His name? I remember when I first started earnestly praying to Him, I even have the journal entry, I was afraid that if I picked one path than I’d be severing ties with ‘all the other paths’.  That, if I said I believe in x than all the a’s, b’s, c’s and y’s would no longer talk to me, excommunicate me and whatever else imagination I have about this subject (which are actually quite founded, though a different story, different time).  My experience of so many religions is that the dogma believes THEIR way is the THE ONLY WAY and any other way is going straight to Hell.  I have never and will never ever ever, I repeat ever, believe this.  

And, my relationship to God is my very deeply personal relationship to God.  As yours is with whatever you want to call it.  I could never force someone to submit to God because surrender only comes from deep within the heart or in battle, and who wants to be forced to surrender about such a deeply personal subject?  That kind of surrender rarely, if ever, works.  We have countless of examples of this ‘issue’ in our current world ‘order’.  

Meanwhile, I have a friend on facebook, John, who has created an very admirable relationship with God and he puts all of these amazing quotes on facebook  I want you to hear what I have to say, because one of the things I’ve learned to my very core, in the last few years, is that this searching, this desire for a merciful reservoir of love cannot be found in a bottle of alcohol.  This searching for someone to love us no matter what is not found in a 52” flat screen TV.  This desire to have someone accept, gladly and reciprocate the massive amounts of love I feel I have to give, cannot be found in a random tryst of a relationship or the latest fashion fad.  No, this and so much more can only be held by something bigger than human love. Bigger than the capacity and moody, emotion filled person can manage.  Bigger than a multi-billion dollar sex industry can deliver.  

This love, I have felt.  

As a result, I want to be able to share my experiences with you, with a stranger, with anyone who is interested in knowing why the path they have been taking in earnest searching hasn’t worked... I have tried so many things and in the end, it was so simple.  

And, like my friend Nancy said a few months back... "You're still normal".  Because I have developed this relationship with God, does not mean I'm a different person. Yes, I may relate to the world a little differently.  Yes, I may never eat meat or drink alcohol again in my life; but, I am who I am... still me. Just more balanced, more rooted, more centered, more open, more more-ness... 

So, I believe in God.  I pray to Krishna (and quite a few others).  And, I believe however you want to pray is right too.  

45 (okay I went over) Things I Learned on the Polish Tour - Summer 2011

1. So What have we missed????
   Poland 1 - 15
   Woodstock 1 and maybe 2
   Germany 1
   Germany 2
   Bhakti Fest
   US 1
   US 2
   Greece 1
   and now
   India 1b
   That’s a whole lotta’ livin’ that’s has happened over the last few months that I haven’t updated you on.  I’m terribly sorry, and well, not all that sorry.  I realized today that I’m quite sure I haven’t had a room, to myself, since pretty much January and I guess I’m a touch tired.  Anyone who knows anything about the Polish Tour knows I’m really tired. So, of course it would make complete sense that I’m writing this at 12:21am on October 12th, right???? Jet Lag. Again.
   I’ve realized that I’m a mess when I travel from west to east and I’ve been doing that for the last 3 weeks. 1 week in Virginia from LA, 1 week in Greece from Virginia and now I’m in India from Greece.  So, I’m working on figuring out this jet lag thing... I’m not very good at it.  
   Now, how did I get here, you wonder? Let’s see....  
   Really, the wheels started turning for me to come back to India last March when I met Indradyumna Swami.  He had given me a suggested travel path and this was at the end of it; however, I don’t know that I knew it would be possible... Of course, they say, with direction from one of these actualized souls, comes the ability to carry out the direction as well. I have seen this over and over again this year, far too often to question it.  However, my coming back really didn’t solidify until the last couple weeks of the Polish Tour (which would be the last couple weeks of August) and then financially, it wasn’t possible until mid september... Lucky for me, the Magic Carpet ride has continued and I am here.
   I’m deliberating how far back to go in this post. I have a few promised entries coming... how I was ripe for the picking and some wisdom for women that I’ve learned on this path... So, let's start from where I left off for now... and then... 

I think I'd like to consolidate the Polish Tour into 45 Things I've Learned from The Polish Tour - Summer 2011

1. If one is really sincere in their desire to do something, they can put up with, and welcome, a great deal of change in their life.
2. You really don’t need to be fluent in each other’s language to really love someone and honor and admire them.
3. People ALL over the world are starving for Spiritual Elixer.
4. People ALL over the world are trying to fill the mythical hole in thier hearts and souls with ‘stuff’
5. People ALL over the world are looking for the same thing, it just looks different on different people
6. Doing dishes until 3am, with people you love, is some of the most fun one could ever have.
7. Singing the Nrishimha Prayers twice a day is amazing, and I miss it.  
1. Nrishimha is a fierce protector of people who take complete solice in God.  When they are attacked and they ask for protection or need protection, He will take care.  
2. We sing Nrishimha Prayers at the beginning of any endeavor where there may be potential danger, for protection. We sang them on the bus to and from the festivals. It was beautiful
8. Language is words.  Feelings and Desire to Know come from the heart. It’s amazing how much one can actually understand by listening to another person’s heart.
9. There is such thing as too much cabbage.
10. Living with 21 women, in a small space, is difficult.  If you let it be.
11. Living with 250 people, in a slightly larger space, is difficult. If you let it be. 
12. Sleep is prescious.  
13. Sleep is VERY prescious.
14. No really, don’t mess with someone else’s sleep... 
15. It’s really not that hard to be considerate... Think of the person in front of you as supremely important. If they think of the person in front of them as supremely important, eventually the person you are standing in front of will think of you as supremely important.  This is really not that difficult... 
1. sometimes this is hard to do when someone has messed with your sleep.
16. The capacity some people have to give and give and give and give is unbelievably incredible.
17. You actually don’t really need to speak more than a word or two in each others language to communicate affection. 
18. Life’s lessons can all be learned in listening and watching.
1. a little inquiry never hurts this process
19. Being humble does not mean being treated badly is okay; however, turning a negative experience into a positive is the very enviable trait called Tolerance. 
1. I’m not very good at this thing called Tolerance.
20. Life never stops, no matter what.  It’s how we deal with it and respond to it that changes.
21. A bed can be way overrated.  
22. A floor can be very comfortable.
1. So can a bus seat, for that matter
2. and a box
23. Playing soccer (or football depending on where you’re from) with 13 year old Polish kids can be the most cathartic thing ever.
24. Everyone has a talent. 
1. Most people have multiple talents.
25. One is never too old to learn, to be enlighted, to ask for help, to change routes, to be humbled and grateful in the process.
26. God (whatever you want to call God) is unbelievably merciful and forgiving.
27. Communication is important.
28. Pasta sauce with olives in it, is a must from here on out.
29. A dirty bathroom is, well, dirty.
30. Alfred Hitchcock was originally going to write a screenplay about Poland, called “Bees”.  
1. He changed it and called it “Birds”... 
2. A movie about Polish Bees would have been just as good...
31. Standing on a bus for an hour trip, after doing a full 12 hour day, is not that difficult.
32. Children are beautiful. They love fully, without reservation or filter.  They are truth and have all the answers.  They are a perfect mirror during a quest for God.
1. think about that one
33. It’s VERY difficult to explain the Polish Tour to someone who has not experienced the Polish Tour.
34. Sometimes the people who have separated themselves the most, from the beautiful parade going by, are the ones who want the invitation to it the most. 
1. I witnessed this while handing out invitations on harinam... Usually I distributed them along the sea shore and it was amazing to see how surprised and grateful people were, who were standing in the water, to be included.  
35. Ukrainians, Mexicans, Americans, Russians, Polish, Germans, Latvians, South Africans, Austrailians, Indians, Italians (and ultimately any ‘ans’) can work together beautifully when there is a common goal.
36. Almette is one of Poland’s great contributions to the world... the world just doesn’t know it yet. 
37. Sometimes, there are people who don’t want unconditional love.  They respond in anger and ferocity to people who are love.
1. that’s kind of weird, huh?
38. Love can happen anywhere.
39. You can’t take the human out of the process of knowing God (whatever you want to call it).  Sometimes people mess up.  Sometimes people do regretable things. these people deserve that same unconditional love. 
1. sometimes more. 
2. it’s me who doesn’t have the patience, not them.
40. It’s really not that difficult to change a pattern of behavior, I might be used to, in order to be respectful to someone else’s norms.
1. ask yourself... are they a problem for me? no. am I being a problem for them? If yes, really, truly, how difficult is it for you to just change a touch for a little while. Out of respect.
2. If it’s really that difficult, are you just being stubborn? and, dare I say, ego driven?
41. Just because you’re tired, and maybe someone messed with your sleep, does not make it okay that you weren’t nice to someone...
42. Power struggles happen everywhere.
43. Not having the internet for days at a time, is okay.
44. Even a glimmer of hope, understanding and unconditional love is better than none at all.
45. Tour Birthday’s are pretty cool.
46. A spritual master/guide, on this path to knowing God (whatever you want to call it) is vitally important.
47. I want to go back.

Berlin 2.0

So, what keeps you up at night? These days, for me, it’s anything and everything. Currently, it’s 2:37am and I’m sitting in the common room of the hostel I’ve been staying in. There is a massive snore fest going on in the room I’m supposed to be cozied up in.  But no matter, a couple days ago, it was just a low rumble and I was awake from 12:30am-4.  When there was no noise, didn’t go to sleep until 4am… So, what’s keeping me awake? I don’t know.

Originally, I came to Berlin, early, to get acclimated to the time zone.  I hear, on the Polish Tour, sleep, taking care of your body and eating are important parts of the journey. So, I’ve stocked up on about $100 of Whole Foods quality protein bars, among other snacks.  I bought a wonderful, I mean wonderful, memory foam travel pillow and I came to Berlin early so I could be acclimated.  And, I haven’t slept.   Yeah, I do get some sleeping in between 4, 5, 6am to noon.  But, that’s not acclimated.  I’m supposed to be able to get up and be ready for the morning temple program by 7am.  That means up and at it probably by 6, depending on what the shower situation is which I figure I’ll figure out when I get to Poland.  So, here I am, leaving for Poland tomorrow and up typing this out to you, now.

I guess, on one hand, it’s good I’m doing it now before I move on from Berlin; however, on the other hand… remember that bed I’m supposed to be cozied in? Yeah, I’m not there.

So, I wanted to give you some tips for success on visiting Berlin… let’s just rattle through them, shall we?

First, the language.  I don’t speak a bit of German and even though I studied Spanish for quite a few years, it really doesn’t translate (even though I remember hearing Spanish/French/Italian/German are interchangeable... they NEVER have been for me).  Frankly, I can figure things out better reading them into English in my brain than Spanish.  Generally, when I go places, and need help, I first ask the person if they speak English. This is really important if you want to order a decaf coffee at the millions of café’s around here.  What? Not everyone has decaf (nto even Dunkin Donuts!!!).  Almost always, I’ve gotten a yes. Phew.  Sometimes I get a funny look or a no, but I have never gotten anyone who is upset with me because I didn’t ask in German or that I didn’t start a full blown conversation with them, in German.  The people have been exceedingly nice, especially about this. I’ve heard this isn’t necessarily the case in all European countries (ah hem… France), but I’ll let you know about those ones when I get there… someday.

Back to the people being nice. I mean, they’ve been really nice.  It’s been lovely.  I have enjoyed the people quite a bit. 

Even though Berlin has a dark past, they’ve done a fantastic job rebuilding it. It’s a beautiful, amazingly beautiful city.  I recommend taking long walks and getting comfortable with the public transportation, which, like most European countries, is incredibly readily available.  I’ve tried not to take the same route to or from my hostel every day. Even if it’s a few streets, I get a new glimpse of the area and have managed to get a look at some new Church or Museum or river walk or something.  It really is incredible here.  The city is set up for tourists quite amazingly.  Those river walks? Most of them have outdoor café’s that have random comfortable seating, from hanging basket chairs to no joke, beach loungers.  It’s funny, having frequented many beach vacation areas, to see that when the view is of, let’s say, a tram line.   Along with the beauty, I’ve been impressed with how clean the city is.  Almost every day, I saw a street cleaner going by me at some point.  There are trash cans on the street and recycling is a big thing here. Don’t be surprised if you see multiple people (while you’re sitting at a café watching the tram line) look into those trash cans to try to get the glass bottles out of there so they can recycle them.  It’s amazing.

Speaking of recycling.  This place puts the US to shame on taking care of the environment and the personal impact each one of us has.  It’s kind of embarrassing.  The grocery stores don’t have plastic bags you can just get.  Either you bring your own carrying container or you buy one or however many you need. And considering they cost more than one bottles worth of recycling, you’re probably going to bring your own.  There is virtually no plastic bottling, especially when you compare it to the US.  Milk comes in a carton of sorts.  My yogurt came in a glass jar.  It’s always driven me crazy, if China can go plastic bag less, why can’t the US (and don’t give me the Communist country, the people don’t have a choice line, that doesn’t work for me here)?

Back to how clean it is. Let’s talk a little bit about public bathrooms.  Since I’ve spent a good 8 hours a day out and about, I generally have to find a bathroom here or there. Luckily, I generally have a café or two to stop at; however, there are the times (quite a bit) where I’m at the train station.  Don’t be surprised when it costs you 1 Euro to use the toilet (I was).  Mind you, today, 1 Euro is $1.60.  But, let me tell you about how clean these bathrooms are.  There is someone there, employed, making sure you don’t have to roll your pants up before you drop trow, to… well, you know. And, there are always paper towels, and soap… and… well, let’s just say. I’d almost RATHER spend that euro to use the public loo!

I did mention the public transportation system, right?  Well, I’ve used all except for the Underground (and I tried to tonight but wasn’t familiar enough with it to start getting lost in it).  It’s VERY easy. Those of you from New York or Boston are going, duh.  But, you’ve probably got the most readily available public transportation in the country.  It’s nice here. Plus, I haven’t seen any 4Runners (I know, I own one - well, kinda'), big trucks or gas guzzlers.  I’m sure they’re out in the country, where they’re NEEDED, but I haven’t seen them in the city.  Smart cars and mini’s and tiny cars are the norm and many, many (not like Amsterdam many) many bikes and scooters are around.   And, bike rental is all over and, again, readily available.

So, this one surprised me. People can walk around drinking.  I’ve only seen beer. But, those large beer bottles the recycling people are searching for, are being drunk on the street as people walk home from work or during lunch.  Some of you are stoked and want to visit even more now.  It’s just something to note. Interesting and something I haven’t seen in any other city. 

Here are a few things to remember about shopping. Which, in Berlin, there is TONS of.  Because there are two fairly distinct city centers (remember that whole Berlin Wall thing?) there is massive shopping.  Berlin West, before the fall, was known as liberated and all of the shopping and café’s and such were considered a status symbol and what freedom and peace meant.  So, there is bunches of shopping in Berlin West (we’re talking Rodeo Drive, baby).  Once the East opened up and started to metropolize (new word), they opened up all of their own shopping.  I walked through both districts and it’s impressive.  Not to mention ALL of the shopping everywhere else.  It’s overwhelming.  And, closed on Sunday’s.  No kidding. All of it.  There may be something somewhere that’s open, but it wasn’t anywhere I walked for 8 hours on Sunday. And, my friend Meredith was in Frankfurt and said the same thing.  It doesn’t matter if you’re Prada or a grocery store. You’re closed.  How nice would that be?  To have a built in day off, no matter what? And, that day off would be the same day that all your friends and family have off too… Imagine that, built in community time…

 What’s also interesting is that not everywhere takes plastic.  I walked into a large convenience store (think Walgreen’s or CVS or something), loaded up on a few things and didn’t have enough cash on me to buy it.  This is not uncommon, especially in the grocery/food area.  So, make sure to have a supply of Euro’s at hand…  And, Berliners have great taste… I saw many Dunkin’ Donuts… Give it up for the DD… (Yeah, there were a bunch of Starbuck’s too, but I’m always partial to DD bringing it to the big guy).

Now, for lodging.  I stayed in a hostel.  I haven’t stayed in a hostel since 2007 when I went to Greece. Then, I had a private room, so my experience was very different; however, remember this.  Hostels aren’t just for college kids anymore.  I was feeling a little awkward reserving my room since I’m well above college age…  I need not to have worried.  Hostel traveling is for the budget traveler.  Which means you get every walk of life.  Now, I’d say it was probably 90% college type kid here; however, there definitely were some not so college age types here.  So, ladies, if your hostel has the option… get the ladies only room.  I’m in a room with 4 guys and me right now because I waited too long and the ladies room wasn’t available.  With the snore fest and guys being guys and all that fun stuff, I just don’t love the situation.  And I’m one of the more independent travelers I know.  There are plenty of hotels out there; however, again, need I remind you 1 euro = $1.60 right now? Really, what’s the point?  I highly, highly recommend www.hostels.com as a resource for hostel staying.  Read the reviews and go by the percentages.  Travelers won’t lie. 

To keep you busy.  There is so much in Berlin.  Tons of museums.  Tons of WWII remnants and landmarks.  I chose not to go down the museum route this trip because I wanted to be outside; however, there really were a million.  Even though I didn’t go to them, I was busy every day and saw something different every day.  If you choose to see the museums they have some great bundle options for admissions because it really will take you many days if you want to see them all.

Clothing… Let’s see, it’s rained all but one day that I’ve been here.  Generally it’s been off and on showers with intermittent sun with a couple days of just rain; so, have an umbrella or rain jacket. Today, I got seriously rained on.  Extra good dumping. Everything, everything wet.  So, be prepared for that.  The weather feels humid to me, but my skin was dry and my clothes I washed dried incredibly fast.  So, lotion is good but other than that basic late spring clothes work.  I had a very light sweater wrap that was very handy when the sun hid behind clouds, other than that tank tops/t’s, shorts/jeans are totally do able and I actually really enjoyed the weather.  Nice and temperate.  Apparently, I need to move to a place that is 75 year round… I’m loving this temperature, not too hot not too cold.  

So, I think that’s it for traveling in Berlin at this point.  Logistics and practicalities.  Just wanted to share if you’re ever interested in traveling here.

It’s now 3:22am and I’m going to start writing about something else so you have some more “Juice From the Road” to read about next time.  Part of what has been keeping me up is everything that is running through my head.  So, now that I feel like I’ve unblocked some of the blog block and now I have a bunch of things I want to share with you.  Although, from what I hear about the schedule I’m about to take on, there won’t be a whole lot of time, so wish me luck!

Here’s what I’ll tease you with for next time…

I feel like this whole ‘trip’ has been such a trip because I was ripe for the picking.  I actually, fell off the tree…

Berlin 1.0

Again, I wish I could write from my most creative moments… This time, it’s when I’m walking… can’t quite do both.

So, I came to the realization today that I’ve been suffering from a severe form of blog-block and think I may have found a way around it, for now.  I am missing a huge chunk of my journey that should be titled USA 1.0 - Virgina, USA 2.0 – East Coast Tour, USA 1.2 – Virginia again, USA 3.0 - Dallas, USA 4.0 – LA, USA 5.0 – Seattle, USA 4.2 – LA again… What I realized today is that I’m overwhelmingly struggling with how to communicate the deep love I have for all the people I was able to visit, stay with, share with and just be with.  You have all, in the past, present and future; have left an indelible mark on me and I hope to be able to express my gratitude in a more deserving way at some point in the near future. 

I also am not sure how to address the difficulties in my family because it’s such a huge part of my journey and an ongoing part as well.  The struggles I’ve gone through are something that so many people have had to deal with and I would hope the learning’s and realizations I’ve had over this experience could maybe, one day, mean something. For now, I don’t know how to even start to talk about it all and what it means and how deeply I’ve had to search into myself, my family paradigm, my worth to my family and what I’m willing to go forward with through this process. Needless to say, it’s been a long journey and a difficult one. Many many many tears have been shed over it. Hearts have been broken. Relationships torn apart. Illusions shattered. And, some real beauty has come from it as well. I am cautiously optimistic about the future.

So, that brings me to Berlin.  Someone who is very dear to me inspired me, today, to write from where I’m at; rather than where I’ve been. I do hope to re-visit where I’ve been over the last few; however, Berlin is bringing me to my knees in a whole other way.

I am in Berlin, preparing for, and waiting for “The Polish Tour” to begin. For those of you who don’t know what this is or I haven’t explained it to you, it’s this… Indradyumna Swami, the Swami I met in Vrindavan (gosh, that feels like seriously forever ago) has created “The Festival of India” along the Baltic Coast of Poland for 20 or 25 years now.  It looks like we’re going to be in 14 towns/cities this year. I’m going to try not to explain too much about it, since I really have no idea. It is my first time going.  I do know we’ll set up for 3 days at a time from place to place and have nightly performances of a taste of India with a nightly Bhagavad-Gita reading from Indradyumna Swami and a Kirtan… That’s about all I know. 

Indradyumna Swami graciously invited me to come and help out on the tour.  What I will be doing, I have no idea. I plan on pitching in wherever I’m needed.  I know that I have a whole host of qualifications and a resume that is pretty full of material abilities; however, when stacked next to these people who have been studying the Bhagavad-Gita for 5, 10, 20, 40 years, I feel wholly uneducated.  Or these amazing dancers who have studied Indian dance their whole lives and perform ‘on the big stage’, as it were, in India… yeah, not me… Or people who can do the most amazing yoga-asana – yeah, not in this body, yet.  Or people who desire, so much, to cook for thousands of people – please don’t put me in a hot kitchen, I sweat too much… I pretty much can come up with a reason or explanation as to how I would be a bigger bother than help. So, my intention is to go in and fill in the gaps and holes wherever needed.  I am going with a heart so full of gratitude to learn from all these amazing people, that I just hope I can help them do their ‘jobs’.  All in all, there will be 250-300 people who will be ‘working’ during the program!

So, I’m in Berlin to get acclimated and see more of the world and wait for the school, where we’ll be staying, to open.  I’ve been here for 5 nights and am deep into another night of no sleep.  It’s been epic.  I have never suffered jet-lag like this in my life, until today I finally realized that this absolutely just can’t be jet lag.  I don’t get to blame that anymore.

I’ve been walking around Berlin, seeing all the sights, taking pictures, fairly passively.  I walk down the street my hostel is on and all I can see when I look up is bombed out buildings. Because that’s what it was. Almost nothing in Berlin hasn’t been rebuilt.  I did see 1 building today that is known for the fact that it made it.  I get on the train and think about the people who were riding the same tracks to their impeding imprisonment.  A new friend told me how the kids of Berlin take field trips to old concentration camps… I took field trips to the White Mountains to see Glacial Boulders…  So, last night I finally got out of bed to eat something out of helplessness, since I couldn’t sleep.  I was sitting in the kitchen, pissed off, as I was stuffing green beans in my face… Finally, 6am I found sleep. 

As I was mulling over this whole thing today, trying to figure out what on God’s green earth could be keeping me awake, I realized that I am feeling this place.  And, that I feel stuff. Dammit.  Like, when people start rattling off their dreams to me. I haven’t done a ton of dream work, but enough to know that you’re telling me way more about yourself than you know or than I really want to know.  That, yes I actually am sensitive.  Yeah, shocker… here I am, a 33 year old woman saying I’m sensitive… I’ve always been the jock. I’ve always rolled with it. I’ve always been the president of this, captain of that, in charge of this, over that.  Generally, I haven’t allowed myself to feel through it.  Or admit that I feel.  The good news is, generally I move on so my whole life isn’t about to come crashing down on me in this moment, it just means I need to be more aware that I feel.  And, not just stuff.  My digestive system isn’t iron clad.  Food affects me.  Sleep affects me.  I’ve spent so much of my life just muscling my way through.  I have felt deeply and moved on.  I have been sick and kept going.  So often, these would be considered admirable qualities, right?  But, what’s admirable in that? If I blew off your experiences, or your feelings, or your indigestion when you came to me; wouldn’t that be callous and mean?  So, why should any one person be expected to blow off their lives’ experiences and just move on?  I say the hell with that.  So, as I’m walking through Berlin today, taking yet ANOTHER trip to the Holocaust Memorial because it fascinates me, I need to realize that I’m going to not just see 2,711 stone pillars.  I’m reminded that I need to be aware of what I’m subjecting myself to.  I think of a moment in India when we were getting a tour of the hospital and the director wanted to take us to the cancer ward.  Our guide was emphatic that we don’t need to go there.  This is a spiritual journey and we weren’t in a place to need to be that.  Now, different thing entirely if we were there for something else; however, let’s be aware of how we are affected because this effects how we affect others.  The question now, is can I integrate it all?  I’m not going to put myself in a bubble and I’m not going to keep blowing myself off either.

For now, I need to just be aware that I’m sensitive. I’ve lived my entire life as though I’m not. That there isn’t this deep, sweet tenderness in me.  And, that’s enough. How to integrate it will come.

And, so, hopefully, will sleep.

India 5.0 - I'm skipping to the end, for now

So, they say, in some of the most sacred places of India that the actual place can choose to let you in or not. Sometimes this means you won’t actually make it to the place. Sometimes this means you will get there and have to immediately leave. Sometimes this means that all you ‘see’ is the surface of the place and it’s not letting you ‘in’, per se.  It’s all in your soul and your heart and in your deepest desires. If you aren’t ready and you aren’t considered worthy, then the place won’t meet you.  I think I’m tending to believe this is true for pretty much all of India.  One day, I hope to speak the same about other parts of the world; however, my quest is here for now and probably for a while. 

I say this as I head back to the US tomorrow. I am sad. I know I will miss India with every part of myself. I know I will long for when I get to come back. And, I managed to get pretty sick last week. Some sort of allergic reaction that went into my bloodstream and manifested as the worst rash I’ve ever had, in my life, all over... then, because I scratch when I itch, even in sleep, ‘they’ think it got infected.  If I can tell you how brutal of an experience it was, I’m not sure you’d want to hear about it. Let’s just suffice it to say that I’m mostly better and am on my way back to the US.  

India let me know it was time to be done for now.  Time to regroup, reorganize, deal with some family stuff that’s cropped up, and get healthy before heading back out.  And, I’m okay with that. I wasn’t 100% ready to go back and I completely understand why I’m heading back.  

Funny, I got to see Radhanath Swami before I got sick and he said, as he was leaving India, “You, I’ll be praying for. I’ll be seeing you, soon.”  First, Thank GOD he’s praying for me. I certainly need it.  And, apparently he knew something I didn’t because he’ll be not far from where I’ll be, next week... HA! I love this path on so many levels!

In India, I got to come right up against everything I’ve been praying about for the last 8 or so months and got scared.  I have been very intent on what I’ve wanted. I have been very clear about what I wanted. At least I thought I was.  Then, this entire community started to welcome me and the God I was praying to started to answer my prayers and I got nervous.  So, given the opportunity to ask my Spiritual Master (that’s the placeholder I’ll be putting Radhanath Swami until we’re 100% clear that he is or isn’t) for guidance and help and shelter in his infinite wisdom, I froze. I got stuck in the mire of what does this look like? How do I fit in? Blah Blah Blah... and, that moment was forever lost.  Luckily, for me, this process has been ever so merciful and I get to ask myself if this is what I want, if this is where I want to be, if this is the Spiritual Path I want to take (even though I’ve been asking for it for months) and, if the answer is yes, I will get another chance.  Of this, I am sure.  

Because, what I’ve also learned about myself is I don’t give of myself easily. I don’t trust easily. I don’t rely on others easily. I would MUCH rather do everything on my own.  And, guess where that got me? On my own... duh.  And, what I realized, on a path to God, one can only go it ‘on their own’ for so long until they need help. Invariably, there will come a time when they will need guidance from someone who has walked the path before them.  This mentor, guru, priest, father, rabbi, etc. can come in many forms to suit the path that every person has chosen and resonates with... I am at this point.  Do I walk away, ‘content’ with how far I’ve come? Or, do I take a look at where I am and ask for help? Depend on others? Rely on others? and step forward from where I am? 

India knew I got scared and is sending me back to the US.  Amazing, huh?

Don't worry, the blog isn't ending... There is so much more waiting to happen!

India 4.1

I've been here for 6 weeks!!! Some moments it feels like a lifetime and some moments feel like an instant! Wow!

So, Mayapur and back to Mumbai.  I got to spend a week in Mayapur with some amazing people.
My dear Swami friend, Indradyumna Swami, suggested I go to Mayapur to experience the home of a huge Indian festival.  Lord Chaitanya Mahaprabhu came to earth 500 years ago to spread the glories of Kirtan. Now, I <3 Kirtan. In case anyone didn't notice. I highly recommend at least 1 experience of Kirtan in your life. Take note before you go, and notice while you're there, is there a moment of upset during your experience? I have yet to meet someone who has had a sad/frustrating/bad/angry/you name it experience while chanting Kirtan. "They" (the people I've been hanging out with) that Kirtan is purifying. One can walk into it with all those negative feelings and come out feeling completely transformed. It's powerful and fun and one of my favorite things on earth. I've since learned how much I love the mobile version of Kirtan called Harinam. Lord Chaitanya is credited with expanding the Harinam movement all over India. Gaura Prenima is the celebration of his "birth" and Mayapur is where he was "born". So, I went to celebrate.

It was wild! They say approximately 3/4 of a million people pilgrimage and visit Mayapur for Gaura Prenima. Let me tell you, I saw a good chunk of them! :) It's a pretty wild experience to be in India, at the heart of, during such a celebration. And, in Bengal, the poorest and most populous state of India, it's a totally different experience. These people walk with their elbows I tell you. I haven't been shoved so much in my life (though I haven't tried the public train system here)... So, I am beyond grateful for the experience to see and be in Mayapur before, during and after the festival.  I've heard Mayapur explained as the Hawaii of India. It's lush, tropical and pineapple fields are replaced by rice paddies. The people are beautiful and the country side is amazing.  I was lucky enough to stay with some people with easy access to the Ganges and got to 'dip' in it almost every day. With the eve of summer coming, you better believe I dipped in the refreshing, and they say purifying, Ganges. I met more amazing people who I will know for all of my life and have added to my family.

Then, I came back to Mumbai where I am hoping for a chance to speak to Radhanath Swami. I've spoken about him and am hoping he can also aid in my spiritual advancement.  What I've learned is, as a solitary person, one can only go so far.  On a spiritual path, virtually everyone I have studied with says you need a guru. Technically, no matter what you aspire to, one needs a master. How else does an engineer become and engineer? A master. Same thing, different names, different applications. I've gotten, I think, as far as I can go and am now asking for help. For those of you who know me, that's a big deal. I'm learning more and more about the bounds of my ideas of surrender and what does that really mean. It's a wonderful process. So, say a little prayer blessing for me, if you would.

Back to Ayurveda:
So, you remember me saying that I didn't get much information from my experience in southern India about my PK? The hospital we visited a few weeks ago has a GREAT Ayurvedic doctor and I decided to go back and get a full consultation.  I went with some new friends who were getting a check up as well. It was GREAT! I haven't been digesting food so well. I suspected it was because I ate a ridiculously large amount of pizza in Mayapur and I'm noticing that my body isn't so stoked on much cheese and wheat. Turns out, my intuition was pretty correct. I feel just fine, I'm just not you know, digesting food so well. So, I got a visit with the doctor, a full consultation and medicine for a week for the whopping price of 450 rupees (this is approximately $12).  Yeah, pretty sure I'll be taking care of all my future Ayurvedic needs here... Turns out, I'm a pitta/kapha not a kapha/pitta. There were a few key things about a kapha that weren't sitting quite right with me and I was relieved to hear this.  He gave me medicine and a strict diet to follow for the next 7 days (we need to get my tongue back to red, right now it's white and my appetite is a mess) and then a 30 day window to find out what the 'right amount of food for me is'.

Now, you and I have heard about a million different suggestions as to what the right amount is, right? Here's his advice because everyone is different and not one rule can be applied to anyone...
for 30 days, monitor your reactions when you eat.
- how is your breathing? labored or pressured - too much food
- are you sleepy for more than 10 minutes after eating - too much food
- can you walk, talk, laugh easily?
- do you have any abdominal pressure?
Now, tell me this isn't common sense. But, how often do we ignore the signs? And, after really paying attention to these signs, we can figure out how much is too much and how much is too little. And, eat that amount. Duh. This is to maintain our weight. If we'd like to lose (like I would) he has a special diet just for that for me to follow, later.
He also gave me all sorts of advice on what kind of food to eat when, time of day, sleep amounts, spiritual needs as a result of my dosha, etc. I have pages to organize on this. I'm excited to see him again for the next level of my Ayurvedic learning.

I also have an entire entry to write about some other stuff he went over with me about the PCOS and other stuff I've discussed in the past. Never did I think I would be coming to India to really get, I mean REALLY GET the masculine/feminine roles in life. It seems to be coming up at every turn for me, which isn't a huge surprise for a few of you who know me well, I'm sure. Women, don't miss this entry! There will be some for everyone.

As for my friends who got a check up. I highly recommend finding a good hospital, that you trust and know, and getting some of your health care there. One woman I was with got a full annual check up for 1500 rupees = approx $40. Blood work, eye test, teeth, so on and so forth. This hospital, I trust implicitly and know many people who have gotten treatment there. If you're in Mumbai, go to Bhakti Vedanta Hospital and you'll save a bundle of money and get good treatment. Last time we were there, they had signs for mammograms for $500 rupees, yeah $15!

Also, one of the greatest things about this experience is the fact that all of the medicine and treatment I'm getting is herbal. I'm not going to get into the conversation about pharmaceuticals; however, wouldn't it be nice if we could all remember what it's like to treat our bodies healthfully? In a way that is right with nature? Not altering our body composition but working WITH our body composition? I'm infinitely glad to be drug free. I've taken 3 advil/excedrin for headaches in 6 weeks... that's it. I haven't felt more normal in a real real long time.

So, for now, I'm in a bit of a limbo. I had originally planned to go North to Rishikesh and Dharamshala about this time. We'll see if that happens. I should know in the next couple days. Amazing how things can move so fast, aren't they?

I'm hoping you are all enjoying life and are happy and contented.

Great love to you!