11 Things I've learned from 2011

So, 2012 is here and I don't do New Year's Resolutions, but I write intentions and prayers and beg for guidance and inspiration and love and so much more... This year, I want to reflect on 2011 as I write my prayer for 2012.  


I want to share 11 Things I've learned from 2011...
              The smart one's are going to count this and see there are only 6 things right now... well, smarty pants, I have homework to do and need to get to it. But, I wanted to at least get rolling on the beginning parts of this...


I hope, pray, meditate on, and wish all of your 2012's to be magic, fun filled, inspirational, and amazing.  You are all such special souls and I wish you nothing but happiness for the coming year.  

• If you let God guide you through your path, your heart will be filled.
• All my life I have searched for something to love me, enough. Someone who can appreciate me, enough. Someone who can understand me, enough. And, when that failed, I resorted to other things and methods because I have so often felt deeply misunderstood or just too complicated.  And, primarily that no one would be willing to really take the time to know my heart rather than what I look like, what I earn, what I drive, what I (fill in the blank with many superficial things here).  Until, one night in October 2010, I was sitting at the feet of a Swami who said that all the heart is really wanting is someone who will accept the love we have to give... I think I was immediately transformed.  ALL this time I actually looking for someone who would just let me love them. Simply, love them... And, I felt like no one would let me and warped that into no one loves me... And then I did all sorts of unmentionable things because I was ‘unloved’.  The second half of what the Swami said was that only God has the capacity to unconditionally, constantly, always accept my hearts love.  Because human love is fickle. No matter how unconditional it is, it’s fickle.  Not that I’m discounting my mother’s love for me or my best friend’s love for me or some boyfriends love for me (though, since he’s considered some boyfriend, we’ll just say that love was clearly fickle); what I’m saying here is my mom might wake up grumpy one morning (in the case of my mom, it’s most mornings... :) xoxo) or my best friend may be really tired because she’s adjusting to life with two children or that my sister has 4 kids and a full time job and is um, yeah, tired. Or my boyfriend drank too much last night and is hung over. Or, or, or... I think you get the drift... so, in those moments, these people, these amazing humans who are really amazing and love me wonderfully, have their moments where they simply cannot accept my love.  This is probably why we love our pets so much in America. They will accept our love 100% of the time (generally).  So, once the bell went off in my head, I got it. I mean really got it.  I’d been misdirecting my expectation of unconditionality on conditional beings.  Wow! Right?  By the end of 2010, I was deep into the path of (trying) to surrender... So, I prayed really hard last year to be taken where I need to go for my highest good.  I asked God to do this for me. I begged for the Divine intervention in my life.  And, what have I gotten?  A life that I call The Magic Carpet Ride.  Are there still moments when I feel unable, less than, unworthy? Yes. And, 99.9% of the time it’s when I’m interacting in a human relationship (including myself).  But, the magic of this year has been that my heart is full. I mean, bursting (forget spilling over) with love.  And, I know this love, is a deeper love a love that is constantly flowing, that will not be taken away from me, that actually will forever be reciprocated.  And, even when I thought I wasn’t loved, I was; I was just looking in the wrong place... I have deep questions about where in the world I will live, what ultimately will I ‘do’, who will this be with and what will it all look like; but, I have absolutely no question about whether I am loved or not.  My heart is full.
• Gratitude is the worlds best medicine
• There have been many many times over the year where I have been uncertain and unhappy and concerned, angry, frustrated, hurt, sad and so on and so forth.  Though my heart drips with drops of love, I am still living a human life that is full of all the crap that comes along for the ride with the human existence.  What I’ve found though, is that being grateful for even the most difficult and most unsightly allows me to transform the feelings of negativity into something quite positive.  I’ve found when I say I’m grateful for the person who might be behind the hurt, I can get beyond the hurt.  I’ve found that if I say I’m grateful for the circumstance that made me worry about money, I can move beyond the money and focus on the moment.  I heard a saying (probably on facebook somewhere) that anxiety is worrying about the future and sadness is focusing on the past.  I’ll add that gratitude belongs in the present.  Try it.  Seriously, the next time you’re really pissed off at your husband/wife - say something about why you’re grateful they are in your life, i.e. “Joe Husband has been so supportive of me when I’ve gone through college this year,” and see how quickly you forget about what they did to upset you.  It may take time to remember to be grateful, don’t worry, that’s natural... but, once you do this regularly, it becomes habit and we live life less in the mindset of anger or whatever past or future feeling that doesn’t belong in the moment.
• Peace, Love and Light does not mean don’t Fight
• In this ‘New Age’ of Peace, Love and Light, people often preach that we should be tolerant of everything. We should have NO perceived negative feelings.  We should run around hugging everyone in the world and dream in cartoon and poop rainbows.  I’m pretty sure this might be causing a lot of the depression in the world.  I’ve tried and I’ve tried but I am not pooping rainbows yet... alas, maybe one day.  You may think this statement is contradictory to my last statement, but it’s not.  There are appropriate times to fight for something.  When the ‘thing’ is to be used for a greater good. When someone is being unnecessarily attacked.  When someone who is pure hearted is being attacked.  There is a very slippery slope here though.  When the something or someone is being used as an excuse for personal or material gain, it turns the fight into manipulation.  We all know there is ‘just’ and ‘right’ behavior.  And, we are benefitted if we are able to learn how to tolerate all sorts of un-just, and incorrect behavior.  To tolerate means to take some negative experience and turn it into a positive.  Although, sometimes, some things become intolerable and we must fight.  When someone is mistreating another, I have stepped in.  When something inaccurate has been spoken, I have spoken up.  When someone is taking advantage of their situation, I have spoken up.  When someone has attacked a saintly person in my life, I have a few I am lucky enough to have in my life, I speak up.  The difficulty here is differentiating when and how to fight.  I’m not perfect. There have been times, in 2011, when I have spoken and acted poorly because I was hurt, angry or you name it.  I am wildly imperfect here and have sometimes made bigger messes because I thought I was doing right when I might not have been. I have caused hurt and I have begged forgiveness as a result (sometimes FAR later than I should have) and have sometimes been forgiven and sometimes not.  And, there are plenty of examples where there is still fighting.  I have sometimes had to step back for fear of acting worse.  So, I learned that there are times to fight (they should be rare) and that I’m not very good at figuring out when, where and how... But, I’ll keep working on it.
• Being born into the family we are is a Karmic Reaction
• I know virtually no one who doesn’t believe in Karma in one form or another.  I also know virtually no one who doesn’t struggle with their family in one form or another.  I have learned quite a bit about karma this year and that I was born into my family for a specific karmic reason. I got the chance to ask my Spiritual Master this year about family and walking away from them, because at one point I was completely ready to do just that. I was very concerned that if I didn’t figure out the crap in my family I would be left having to deal with it again, next life and I am damn sure I don’t want to do that; and I was worried about just walking away clean break, if it was spiritually okay. He said, “Only some very special souls (which I have concluded I am not) can heal a family hurt...  ...We need to be very careful that we don’t get mixed up in their (other family members’) karma... ...We should only think of leaving or walking away from our family when they are an impediment on our Spiritual Life, our Relationship with God.”  So, I’m still dealing/struggling with my karma.  I love my family.  Each and every member of my family.  And, I’m grateful for them.  And, I appreciate their support.  And, in 2011 I learned that this is a fight worth fighting (see previous). Until it’s not.
• Home is where my head rests
• I’ve always loved to travel.  I will always love to travel.  In January I either sold or packed up all of my belongings and put it in storage.  Since then, the longest I have slept in the same place was a floor in a classroom with about 20 other women (most of whom did not speak English).  The longest I had my own bathroom was 3 weeks in Vrindavan, India in October.  And, I haven’t slept in what I would consider my own bed (even though at the time it wasn’t even then) since January 14th-ish.  I have slept in India, Washington, Poland, Texas, Greece, Maine, Los Angeles (twice), India again, Massachusetts, Virginia (twice), Germany, New York (thrice), Washington DC... I think this is it.  Almost every place, because I’m visiting amazing people and seeing amazing things and meeting amazing people; I’ve fallen in love with where I’m at.  Like I said, I worry about where I’m ultimately going to settle, every now and then, but in the meantime, I relish the places I’m living that I get to call home.  I’ve adopted the philosophy and saying that I’m from everywhere and I live nowhere... it’s a glorious position to be in... 
• It’s never too late to become a Sister (or brother or whatever...)
• My sister and I are VERY different people.  Outwardly. We’ve reacted to life differently. We’ve had very different childhoods that have produced seemingly different people.  She has 4 children. Me none.  She has lived in the same state for something like 14 years. In that time, I’ve lived in 4 states and probably had 10 addresses.  She is married. Me = not.  She is a teacher. I would probably damage those poor developing minds.  The list goes on and on.  Since our Grampa died a couple of years ago, she and I have proceeded to become very close. And, well, we’re not all THAT different.  Not when it comes to the heart.  I’ve so appreciated getting to know her over the last couple of years and am so incredibly grateful to call her friend and sister.  And, though I won’t reveal our ages (and, I’m pretty sure we both don’t care), let’s just say we were in our 30’s when this process started.  Ramsey, thank you and I love you and the whole family.  Thank you for being a friend (yeah, I just broke into the Golden Girls tune here...) teehee